Happy Thanksgiving! In true holiday tradition, my family members got into a giant fight bringing up long-buried resentments, and now I’m the go-between. So that’s my holiday. How’s yours?

Turkey is only okay, but ham is the worst kind of pork. If those are the only two options, stick with the bird for tradition’s sake. But, really, maybe some roast beef or something would be nice.

If you had told me back then that we’d have a president even crazier than Sarah Palin within a decade, I would have had you committed. Now, here we are...we’re all living in a nation-sized insane asylum.

Guys.

I appreciate this breath of fresh air. The woes of middle aged disillusioned men are a frankly underexplored theme in literature and film. I look forward to what will doubtless be a unique insight into this marginalised perspective.

In the clip above, Stewart is asked about how he reacted to the revelations and C.K.’s admittance of guilt, and says he was “stunned.”

What a selfish narcissistic dickwad of a man. “All these women are for me to do what I want with, this courthouse is mine to do what I want with, marriage is mine to define, and I really want to be a senator so I will.”

“Yeah, we’d all vote for him over Trump. But that’s a low bar.”

UM how dare you talk about my lashblast like that. I’ve used expensive mascaras and always go back to lashblast. And people ask me often what kind of mascara I use. Whatever, more lash blast for me

Their feud started when Rand Paul stole his neighbor’s backup dancers. There’s been a lot of bad blood since then.

I don’t want to Monday Morning QB your editor but I think we probably would have figured out “Boston” from the rest of the headline.

I’ve already been called a grandma once today, but it’s no Britney and Justin

Points! I fucking LOVE that movie— it’s absolutely underrated. The performances are all so grotesquely perfect.

Yeah seriously. Looking at your Brazile. Ya really screwed the pooch on that one. You just had to release that fucking book and go on your little book tour a week or two before voting day. And NOW you want to change the discussion about how you don’t think any wrongdoing was done. Timing, sweetie. Timing is…

According to one poll, the Democratic Party is very unpopular right now

I’m loathe to defend Rand Paul on anything, but I live in BG and know the Pauls, and know of Boucher. My Venn-social-circle vaguely overlaps RP’s on occasion [having last seen and spoken with him 10 days ago at a party]. Our politics are as far apart as possible, and I despise everything RP stands for.

What if your nephew was like, “I’m not sure I’m even gonna vote. These people are both bad” on election day. But then the day after the election he wrote a blog on deadspin about how we’re all fucked because Trump won? What should I say to this specific type of shithead nephew?

I hope this article is satirical, cause it’s blistering hot garbage.