I'm pretty sure it's from Eastbound and Down.

The Best Gift I Ever Got:

This guy is gonna love being dead.

I actually have it on my hold list at the library.

I'm just gonna say it: I dislike bacon. It's overrated, and looks like an infection.

I kept a Valentine book that my kindergarten boyfriend wrote and illustrated for me. It is heart-shaped.

Now Now - I'm 55 and I can tell you it's generally longer than 2 slides - usually gets a reaction, and is seldom problematic.

When I was in Europe, selling monogrammed thermoses, THEY would cook my steaks for me until it was tender, no matter how long it took. Americans are so lazy sometimes.

I saw Insane Masturbatory Rampage open for Slayer in '92.

Sortland had a blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins with him.

It seems appropriate to bring this back:

Just another reason to steal all your kids' candy. Treat yo self!

Can I sue a school board for promoting abstinence based education on the grounds of endangering my male child's health?

"You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!"

"I'm only 45. My dong is great." - Thomas Jane

Nobody cares about your (tiny) stupid boner.

All them fives need to listen when the ten is talking.

No, no, no. No. Animal cruelty is wrong. We agree on that point. Completely. What's crazy is the way you choose to express this view. Dick Cheney shooting an Iraqi child is comparable to eating horse in front of people against eating horse? There's some loose circuitry up there, dude. Get that figured out.

Stop acting like 'Shake It Off' isn't great

His farts sound like a rip off of Bono.