Duracell is also announcing a battery for electric cars later this year. It recharges from a handy spout you pour gasoline in.

Omaha?

I take all my personal conduct cues from Goodell's ad hoc meting of punishment, which is why I withheld a park visit from my dog after she maimed the neighbor, and then I euthanized her for eating my pot brownies. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a humane society gala to keynote speak at.

Two different four-year-old sons? If only AD's father had hit him in the scrotum with a switch.

You're either being disingenuous or ridiculous. A study of 179 teenagers does not a study make. By that same token, smacking your wife around will probably get your dinner on the table on time as well and beating your kids will get you a "Yes, Sir" and temporary good grades through fear. But they're still long-term…

My parents beat the shit out of me, and now I'm commenting on Deadspin.

The reason the NFL always wins, and [one reason] why I'm a bad person? My first thought was to google "Adrian Peterson backup."

In this instance, I can support Goodell not wanting to see the video....

Whose to say the park is unsafe? Not everywhere is riddled with criminals waiting to steal children. How about we allow parents to make decisions about parenting?