Basketball would be better if the ball was a round screen and we could live tweet tweets right to the ball in real time so the dribbler could read the ball and become inspired to do more good kinds of shots. Imagine being passed a ball and right there on the screen/ball it says, from @DildoDunkins69: Hammer the…

But nothing tops this baseball possibility:

Friends say Philips lived by the golden rule.

You wouldn’t be such a Doubting Barry if you ordered @Dominos and stayed #HomeOnNYE as instructed.

A lot of conclusions will be drawn from this story, but the only logical one is that Notre Dame is going undefeated next year.