I hope the guides are getting a decent slice of the pie and that they all go out for beers together afterwards and dish about the assholes they had to lead around all day. Actually, that sounds like a blog I would read the fuck out of.

Are any of your younger children female? In my experience, menopause + female puberty = WWIII. My mom and I became besties again when I was around 15/16 and continue to have a great relationship, but man, those were some rough years.

I had my first at 25, my second at 32 and the surpise came last year when I was 34. I'm almost 36 and Christ, it's much harder physically having a toddler in my mid-to late 30s than it was in my 20s. My 1 and 3 year old aren't even that hyper, but woooo!

His voice is somehow incredibly bland.

I expected this to be funnier than it turned out to be.

YOU AND YOUR SICKENING LIES. TROLL. CRAIGTROLL. Who are you??? Crank caller Crank caller Lalalalalala I CANT HEAR YOU.

He's adorable! But also fucking HUGE.

I grew up having three donkeys, one of them miniature (my mom still has them, those things live for fucking ever), they are the sweetest snuggliest things. They hear me coming a mile away and start hollerin'.

Man, those are some weird ass dreadlocks.

He looks like a mix between a donkey and one of these mop dogs. I LOVE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!

I was lucky enough to work at a zoo that had two of these — there's only a few hundred left in the world.

As an adoptee myself, that sort of "reasoning" always makes me so cranky. Like, listen: if I'd been aborted, I WOULDN'T KNOW so it would be fine. If I believed in destiny, then I'd be born somehow some other way, so it would be fine.

Tim Tebow's mom made a whole national TV spot once promoting that exact argument: somebody mentioned to her that she might consider having an abortion but she didn't because JESUS! And then her kid turned out to be Tim Tebow!

It used to be that your fetus could be the next Einstein.

You missed the point. It is still inappropriate, but inappropriate in a different way. With all due respect.

OH LINDY COME ON WITH THE ERRORS. Daniel Craig is NOT married to Rachel Weisz, he is married to me! We live together in our house of house of Naked Shirtless Craig, where we act out scenes from James Bond movies or sometimes just scenes from other sexy movies but with him as Han Solo or Ryan Gosling in the Notebook. …

Well this does kind of put Joe Simpson's talk about Jessica's body in a slightly less creepy light. He was being a gay pageant dad. Still inappropriate, but it makes a little more sense.

I cannot believe those neighbors would make false claims like that. That's absolutely fucking terrible if the two brothers had absolutely nothing to do with it and they were fingered because of some shitty neighbors who are seeking 15 minutes of fame.

Unchilled white wine causes strokes. True story.*

I do that! But I'm usually not watching the ads - I sort of dumb out for a few minutes, then snap back to life and go "hey, why are the commercials on?? while grasping for the remote.