It happened. Your “buying it” is irrelevant. Of all the things in the world to make up, why would this be the thing?

There should be a special place in hell for people who do that to their animals.

I am a demographer/public health person: YOU ARE SO FUCKING RIGHT AND IT DRIVES ME NUTS WHEN PEOPLE SAY “YOU AINT GOT LONG BITCH” TO SOMEONE WHO IS 77. That’s just not how if fucking works. Godammit

life expectancy in this country is around 79

It absolutely doesn’t help you remember which is which, but if you feel like looking it up I always enjoy this meme:

“I’m a life-long dog owner and I love my dogs, but I’m under no illusions that they wouldn’t happily feast on my bloated corpse if I died and no one showed up at the house for a few days.”

This. “I was watching porn on my phone, got a call from my boss and heard porn-like moaning. I couldn’t put two and two together, so...”

I tell my dog I love him multiple times a day. I want him to feel secure in the knowledge that he is a good boy.

I wish someone would have thought to ask Kobe about this before it became clear this was made up. I would loved to have heard him confirm it.

Jason Segel as Luke Walton. 

“And don’t miss the Heath Ledger story.”

This is the obligatory reminder that according to Deadspin, the Lakers should have, nay, deserved to be gifted Anthony Davis because they’re so well run.

The joke is that it's the first inning and no one would reasonably care

That’s a bullshit way to break up a no-hitter. 

If I recall, Westbrook did a pretty good job all by himself of neutralizing Kevin Durant.

MJ is either 1 or 1A in the GOAT conversation, yet still used the platform of his HOF induction to take bitter swipes at everyone who even mildly criticized him at any point in his life.

Mikey: Doubt Life cereal!!! And keep thinking Chex is better!!! Y’all doubters and haters will see!!!

You have no idea what you’re talking about, Barry!

He’s a 6-Tool tool at that!

Rich from the guy who was such a fucking headcase he couldn’t play baseball. Baseball.