I was so happy to see the headline, only to be disappointed by the article itself.

Another passage from the same: “I yearned again for the cogs of her Iron Maiden to grind my glans around inside her like an opera singer with a mouth lozenge.” 

+1 Bad to the Boner

Hope that vagina has a significant amount of ullage, because I’m about to empty these tanks *ominously dons lab coat and goggles*

“Come hither, dear hubby, for I am about to boa-constrict that dick” is how celibacy starts.

Oh my god I had tea at Julian Gough’s house almost 20 years ago, shortly before his first novel was published; he was an internet friend of a friend of mine and I came along with her to meet him in case he was a creep (he was not, he was perfectly pleasant and welcoming and served us digestive biscuits). I forgot any…

My ejaculation was violent. Before anybody could react it had already broken a beer bottle and threatened the bartender. When somebody tried to deescalate the situation, my ejaculation grabbed them by the throat and threw them onto the beer splattered floor. Later on my ejaculation was seen entering a convenient…

Oh my god...oh my GOD. Can you imagine if it was your dad or brother writing this horrible shit? Talking about violent ejaculations and semen pouring forth without end? Oh my GOD I can’t stop laughing these are SO BAD. I’m gonna ask my husband if it ever feels like I’ve got an enameled pepper mill inside me.

I recently heard John Grisham saying his wife laughed uproariously at his sex-scene drafts, and for that reason, he never includes sex scenes in his novels. Sounds like a good call. These seem to have been written by horny middle-school boys who have never had sex. 

The bit from Scoundrels sounds so absurd it made me look up the book - it seems like its a bit of a comic farce so perhaps the over the top metaphors are supposed to be ridiculous?

I starred you back because of Bowie. How boutdat? 

My intern at work was born in 1996, the year I graduated high school. It’s official, I’m old.

My default setting is apparently 1998 and I am old.

NO! You suck! Tea is amazing.

I am British. I hate tea. I make a good cup of tea (apparently, I wouldn’t know). My boyfriend occasionally makes me a cup because “how can you not like tea” and I don’t drink it. (it’s been 8 years! Why don’t you get this?).

Thoughts and prayers for them 

This was interesting and discouraging. Interesting, because... well, history is interesting, and well-written history is doubly so. And discouraging because, when reading about the horrendous treatment in the early seventies, I thought, “oh my god, that was only thirty years ago,” before realizing, no, that was almost…

“They’re not real Nazis, the armband is a slightly different shade of red and they’re using trucks instead of cattle cars!”

That’s six things.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.