Obama’s comic timing is amazing. I adore his deadpan snark delivery.

Of course it isn’t! You’re fine ... it’s Spanx’s marketing that's on the shamey side. The catalog is filled with cutesy language that comes down to disguising back fat, thick thighs and protruding abdomens. Some women may think their normal bodies aren't compressed enough; others sigh through the cuteness and look for…

it’s pretty hard to swordfight with a pencil dick.

BAND NAME CALLED IT

He just jacked it up to $290/night and thanks you for the advertising.

I’m not a violent person at all and am basically a pure pacifist, but I would punch Ted Cruz in the face if I could. Like just a pure punch. Right to his face.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) said that, under Lynch, “We are sadly going to see more and more lawlessness, more recklessness, more abuse of power, more executive lawlessness.”

Jesus, five months. That’s longer than it takes to regrow a hymen, eh Ted?

Sigh. I want a job where I can do things 5 months late, get really good pay and healthcare, and still have an inflated sense of self importance.

Núñez. Not Nunez. Please correct.

I’m planning on getting pregnant next year and I’m absolutely going to at least a couple CPCs. I’ll get my free pregnancy test and ultrasound, then tearfully listen as they try to convince me not to have an abortion. As I’m walking out the door I’ll turn and say, “Psych! Thanks for the free pee test and ultrasound! I…

I should have them do an ultrasound of my uterus that no longer exists.

I really need to start trolling CPCs. You know, ask them for birth control prescriptions, try and get them to ultrasound my empty uterus, that kind of thing.

“Hey, I’m bored, wanna take the abortion clinic to court? Also I forgot to tell you when you came to see me last year, but you had a fetus head and skull still lodged in your cooter’s glovebox.”

Exactly how big is an ‘11-week fetus skull?’ Because an 11-week old fetus is 1.5’’ so a ‘skull’ would be... millimeters? Even if this were true, surely that would just be naturally expelled? Most women pass blood clots bigger than that during menses.

I was just going to say that. I could see the 13-week skull coated in silver and strung on a chain around some goth kid’s neck. Though, honestly, they all look a little alienesque thanks to those fontanelles. I also like how they all appear to be smiling.
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Fetal skull, eh? Sure it wasn’t like that ultrasound of an IUD that CPCs claimed was a fetus? If they’d left that behind, she’d have died of sepsis.

Wow, the 13-week one looks like the skull of a little green alien. The stuff of nightmares.

I always laugh when I hear that. You mean you want to move to a place where Clinton would be the far right?

Fuck dude. I’m *thisclose* to having the break-up talk with my boyfriend of 11 years (yes, 11!), and I’m already stressed out.