I have a best friend who is like this. She bathed me...thoroughly...after I was assaulted. That’s true love. Your mother loves you very much.

My mom waited until I was a grown and married lady to tell me this story.

Your mother is an American Goddamned Hero. Somewhere out there, an eagle is crying tears made of FREEDOM.

When I was in 5th grade I changed schools. My new school was way on the other side of town and outside of the lily white suburb where my previous school had been located.

I was about 12 when I’d decided I was going to be a Paleontologist (I’m not, btw, but that’s not the point.)

My mom is a transplanted Midwestern lady living in a small island town in south Texas. There are a lot of great stories I could tell about her (she was briefly Mormon because the only church within walking distance of her family’s farm was a Mormon temple and then she got a scholarship to BYU and, as she likes to tell…

So my mom died when I was 6 from cancer. At my kindergarten “graduation” I was getting a special citizenship award and was really excited about it. The evening of the ceremony, I remeber my mom laying on the couch obviously in a ton of pain. I, being 6, was oblivious and demanded she get ready for my graduation. She…

I was trying to think of a best, but I couldn’t, so I’m just going with badass-est.

After a particularly horrific breakup my mother was my rock. We were very close. One afternoon my emotionally abusive ex was a lunch with a date. I wasn’t at the restaurant but my mother and her friends were.

Wait what, super chilled out dude? Those were literally ALL post breakup stories. Was he confusing the winners from the previous week’s pissing contest for the current week’s topic? I am not super chill, ever, and I am also confused now.

Can I add to the list of things sent that need to be autocorrected to “I’m drunk. Disregard this.”?

Best thing my birth thing ever did was to abandon me at a year old. Sure, if I hadn’t annoyed the neighbors with my crying I could have died since she never came back and locked the deadbolt behind her...

I did the paleo diet once for a few months. Came across it looking for gluten free recipes (I’m allergic, don’t kill me). It sounded plausible. I gave it a go. The food was good! I felt great. I lost the last 10 lbs of baby weight and did the insanity workout. I was on fucking fire.

Ewwww, some bitch did that to me pretty recently: “You really need to stop being vegetarian, there’s no way you can get enough protein that way.” I was like, “I smoke a pack a day so the amount of protein I eat is pretty low on my list of worries, health-wise.” But, of course, what I really wanted to say was, “Mind…

This is something that is so weird for me. I recently came upon a restricted diet (lchf) that really works for me. I lost 125 pounds, I feel amazing mentally, and that is awesome. That said, I don’t think it would be amazing for everyone. Everyone is different, our bodies and DNA have a wide spectrum of needs and…

I’m vegan and if there’s one thing I know it’s that I DON’T belong to any secret club, unless that club is called: People Whose Protein Consumption is Regularly Called Into Question by Strangers.

When I saw her Wish Tree at MOMA, one of the wishes someone had hung was “I wish Yoko Ono would quit making art.” I quite agree.

I would use it as a vomit container! OH YOU SOLVED ALL THE WORLD’S TRAGEDIES WITH YOUR ART (which, by the way, looks exactly like the Illy cups my mom has) YOKO?

Let’s list people who talk about bloodlines:

I used to not believe in freemason conspiracies