He’s a crazy cat dude, f’real!

I also enjoy it when you see “candid” pictures of celebrities in Us or Star or whatever holding a product that they are SO FUCKING OBVIOUSLY getting paid to shill. I mean, yes, I know celebrities are just like us!!! and drink Coke and eat, like, Cheetos and whatnot (shout out to my imaginary BFF Britney Spears, please…

I bought those gummy “hair growth” vitamins that Khloe Kardashian is holding in the lead picture. I saw her shilling them elsewhere, and although I have a deep, profound distaste of the Kardashians/Jenners (though I did used to like Khloe before her bullshit Twitter fight with Chloe Grace Moretz, and Kendall seems…

Britney’s more autotuned than Hatsune Miku but I don’t even care as long as she continues to provide quality bops for my dancing, driving, and housecleaning pleasure.

Why, yes. That’s more like it!

Oh for chrissakes, *I* look more like Benedict Cumberbatch than that cat does. (Spoiler alert: aside from sharing basic human features like, you know, eyes and ears and a nose and a mouth, I look nothing like Benedict Cumberbatch.)

It is vile. VILE. Do not be intrigued by it, for it is dog vomit.

Yay!

He’s attractive to be sure, but because the first thing I ever saw “him” (it was a mo-cap/voice over performance) in was an excellent horror video game called Until Dawn, in which he played a very intense and unhinged dude named Josh, he freaks me out.

YES! I was trying to show my boyfriend’s father a picture of Mt. Hood and he kept scrolling and I was like “please let him stop before he gets to the picture of me pretending like I’m fellating a Voodoo maple bacon bar.” I finally just gently pried my phone away from him and said “Oops, the rest is confidential work…

I don’t remember how old I was, but I remember how traumatized I was when I realized that all dudes had dicks. My dad! My brother! My grandpas! My cat! My teacher! The nice old guy at Sprouse-Reitz (dating myself hardcore here)! I think I actually cried about it. No wonder I was a virgin until, well, a long-ass time.

FYI, the tweet from Jezebel’s official account in regards to this post has a picture of the “magic hair” girl. You might want to look into that.

I saw a documentary on Britney once (For the Record?) and there was a scene where her friends surprised her by taking her out in the middle of nowhere so she could drive a car without being accosted by fans/paparazzi. I hope she gets her dream car and someplace to drive it without hassle.

Man, I wish. I’d take one hell of a pay cut if it meant I never had to deal with the exciting world of insurance again.

Yikes! I think they should know better than to take someone’s frickin’ glasses away from them.

Several years ago, I went to a Chippendale’s (or imitator? can’t remember anymore) show at a casino in Minnesota and paid $20 for the “extra experience”. This involved me sitting in a chair while a stripper who either had a horse cock grafted onto his OWN cock or did some masterful stuffing writhed on me and then took…

Oh god, the memories of working at Blockbuster when this came out and the nightmare of nobody EVER RETURNING BOTH TAPES AT THE SAME TIME.

YOUR LIPS TO GOD’S EARS.

These two rich and famous people owe my broke and unknown ass nothing, but I will be SORELY disappointed if we don’t get at least one picture of Tom Hiddleston holding Olivia and/or Meredith.

Hey, I just googled orangutans! I HAVE PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY. I could’ve been looking up the Every Which Way But Loose orangutan for all they know.