Totally with you on the shredded lettuce thing. It’s iceberg lettuce to begin with (translation: for all practical purposes inedible) and then they shred it to make its texture maximally objectionable. It’s as if Top Men spent years intentionally trying to make iceberg lettuce worse, and eventually succeeded.

Carrot Colored Shit will be my new band’s name.

Moana should have won both Original Score and Best Song. La La Land was shit and the actors who “sang” the songs were too chickenshit to do it at the Oscars, unlike the 16 year old who voiced Moana.

When my daughter was young and we were not secure financially I made the inexplicable decision to purchase a white couch. The fabric was a textured linen type and I loved it. She shat flaming orange carrot colored shit across 2/3rds of it and nothing in this world would make it clean. I actually cried.

“I fucking hate when people do stuff for you and then try to make you feel bad by saying “look at what I did for you’”

i honestly and truly can picture neither of them running.

Not to put too fine a point on it...

I went to one event to try it out, get out of my comfort zone, and not judge the people who rush. I went in with an open mind. It was insane madness. Batshit crazy. Reminded me of those Scientology gala clips. They divided us up into smaller groups at one point. I walked in and a rush coordinator who would be our rush…

As I see more and more “sports should be a distraction” crowd I get madder and madder.

I see what you did there.

Howard Taft really got the short end of the stick history-wise. He was an incredibly intelligent, diligent, and ethical man who only really ever wanted to be a judge (but his wife and Teddy Roosevelt wanted bigger things for him, hence running for president). He’s also the only person to have lead two branches of the…

I grew up down a one-lane dead end dirt road, no neighbors in sight. My wife did too (not the same one, thanks). I have two daughters now and I think a lot about the things that got me, as a nerdy little guy, excited in the country. Rain storms that brought frogs by the thousands out onto the road. Lizards and snakes,…

Your reaction to learning this reminds me of the bit in Donald Glover’s standup about when he realized his name was donglover.

Rihanna is a good choice, but I would possibly pick Bruno Mars since he appeals to an even broader audience increasing the chances that not everyone is a complete fucking moron. Do you really think a fan base that calls themselves the Beyhive wouldn’t be prone to the second Holocaust because some people dare listen to…

obligatory

I listened but my cats are still furious with you

I’ll call and raise you one one-eyed cat. (Meet Freddie Percury.)

I had my cat, Mooshi, before I had a wife.

This three-legged lady does what she likes, thank you very much.

Exclusive photo of their most disappointed fan.