I’m also not religious, but I do have a habit of praying directly to whatever I’m addressing, like “Please, old lasagne in a tin pan, don’t give me food poisoning” or “Please be cloudy today, sky”. I might have to start praying to strokes to start striking folk. It is never as good as praying was with true belief, but…

Direct eye contact is avoided because it can be interpreted as the “evil eye.”

One of the most fascinating things about this dude is that at the start of the clip, he’s sure to distinguish that he has no authority over issues at the state level because he’s at the federal level.

Nope, fuck that. We need to continue to put white women’s feet to the fire on this question. I am so sick of being unsafe because white women don’t care about anyone but their husbands.

Fake news.

I’m really bummed that I couldn’t find an image of a Jake Tapper themed Trapper Keeper (a Jake Trapper Keeper if you would) online.

Hans Holbein the Very Youngest is commissioned to take the flattering photographs.

• Hands in photos already circled in gold sharpie to send to Graydon Carter

He did not, however, specify what the inaccuracies may have been.

Ohhhhh yah, the White Walkers, not too good a deal there. They were over at Olafson’s farm the other year, you know, couple miles past the old Eastwatch-by-the-Sea and then turn left at where Svenson used to have his silo? His kid left for school in King’s Landing this year. King’s Landing, I don’t know about that,…

Safe word is shiplap

I used to work occasionally with his mom and she is stunning and super nice. She is a dietitian so I had a whole conversation with her about how my son poops after drinking milk and she was helping me figure out if it was a milk allergy or lactose intolerance. Then I found out later who her son is. Wasted an…

Florida doesn’t deserve manatees. Actually no one does. Too pure for this world.

Way back in the 1990s, I agreed to go out on a date with a guy who asked if I could drive because he didn’t have a car. I picked him up, he got into the passenger seat, saw my transmission, and said, “I don’t date girls who drive stick.” It was the weirdest, most honest way I’ve ever been dumped.

If it makes you feel any better, this is an actual Faberge clutch:

i very much like the bookended symmetry of #1 and #3 both attempting to start shit, hfm.

He also thinks Akie Abe doesn’t speak English.

My windshield wipers are dull so I moved to Syria.

It’s a good word when used properly, like “The governor believes in a holistic approach to education, where focus is not just on schools but also on improving conditions at home for at-risk youth so that they can focus on their studies.”