“For some reason, the issue of potatoes has become a paramount issue for the peasants.” -O’Pennessey, circa 1845.

“For some reason, this issue of meteors has become an issue for the dinosaurs,” said Penceasaurus Rex.

“Why doth the peasantry fret so o’er this ‘Black Death’? ” ~Lord Pence, c. 1350 

“For some reason, this issue of Native Americans has become a paramount issue for General George Armstrong Custer.” - Lt. Mike Pence, at the outbreak of the Battle of the Little Bighorn

“For some reason, this issue of smallpox has become a paramount issue for the Natives.” Colonist Pence, 1616

“For some reason, this issue of icebergs has become a paramount issue for the passengers.” Captain Pence, 1912

Ooh, just thought of one you’re completely missing out on though. Adzuki beans, otherwise known as simply “red beans” in any sort of Asian food application. It’s a bean that you eat for dessert. How great is that!? And they’re delicious. Spoonful over some shaved ice? Yes please. In the middle of a sweet bun or…

It’s pink, so that could mean it’s strawberry smoothie. Or it could mean that it’s a fucking ham sandwich, because this company is run by Dadaists.

The weird thing is if you ranked the 100 best jellybeans being hit by a truck would probably come in at #50.

She called the cops 200 times for loitering and making noise. It’s pretty much rule number one of being an asshole; if you meet one asshole in a day, that person is the asshole, but if everyone you meet in a day is an asshole, you’re the asshole.

Did you read the story???? The guy had NOT LEFT YET when the girls ran off. As in The TEENAGERS left their bags behind and ran off at the next stop after WATCHING A RACIST STAB 3 PEOPLE AND ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE DYING. As in THE RACIST WAS STILL STABBING PEOPLE WHEN THE GIRLS RAN. Your version of events makes sense if…

I’m the person who, if I was just the target of a virulent racist tirade that ended with that person STABBING THREE PEOPLE would get the fuck away from the scene because I would have no idea if it was still safe to be there. I would also not attempt to “tended to” to the victims, because as a teenager (which these…

Several times this would happen with Barker and it would always delight me:

I’m the “fun uncle” (gay, childless, endless patience with the young’ins) in my family, and we have big, sprawling family reunions every summer.

You forgot sexually harassing the models.

Hot take: Plinko is overrated, and was even before LeBron decided to steal it and make a whole show out of it.

Price is Right Games Ranked?

There’s also a great one with Carrie and Mark Hamill:

Excuse me, which way to Wollingstoke-on-Fleeb?