“Jesus loves it when his people have righteous sex, so if he were to walk into the marital bedroom and see a loving married couple having sex, he’d put his hands on their heads and say ‘bless you, my children.’”

*Except* in bed can be even better.

I did a double take when I saw that line from the police chief, and I’m wondering if it means exactly what it sounds like (she was going to die anyway, but we could have delayed it) or if he meant, “We should have known this was going to happen sooner or later and removed her from harms way.”

“flatten that enormous stomach, what on earth have you been eating, do you even take the Oreos out of the bag first”

JESUS CHRIST IT WAS JUST THAT ONE TIME LEAVE ME ALONE

For some reason, the phrase “hairy-ass uncle” has me all giggly.

Same. Clinton was the first antichrist I remember. He’s been replaced by Obama. Hillary Clinton will be next, and so on until my mother dies.

Whoa, how do you know my mother? If you talk to her again, please tell her she can stop texting me and that I haven’t gotten over the racial slur she used to describe a bus full of black people after one of them did something she didn’t like, And also that grown-ass adult women do not go onto their daughter’s facebook…

No, they remember. Their own illegal abortions were safe and private. And as long as they had the bodies of underprivileged women to enact their ideologies on, they got to excuse their own actions and insist that they still don’t believe in abortion because look how hard I fought to keep it illegal! That’s why they’re…

You can see the exact moment when he goes from, “OMGOMGOMG she’s hugging me” to “...These are actually Nicky Minaj’s boobs. On my cheek. This is happening. Boobz.”

Nope, I've been here quite a while and generally have a pretty savvy comment history. This article is mean and damaging and I'm pretty sure it's going to come up in one of my news aggregates soon as evidence that Jezebel is hypocritical. Meanwhile, all those who, like me, don't get the "joke," just maybe quietly…

If this is satire, it's poorly done, because I'm not an idiot and this went over my head. And I'm seeing a few other people saying the same thing.

I actually thought the author was being sarcastic. Turns out she's just really fucking mean. I don't watch GOT, I have no idea who this guy is, but I can't believe I just read this. And that most of the commenters agree with it. He's describing something that most women can relate to, but because he doesn't have it…

THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG WHY IS NOBODY STROKING HIS CHEEK WITH A FINGER AND RUNNING A HAND DOWN HIS SOFT WARM FLUFFY BODY CAN'T THEY SEE HE IS SUCKLING ON HIS OWN PAW WTF PEOPLE

My mother was genuinely baffled and hurt when I called her a racist shortly after she called a bus full of people "niggers." She thinks that her missionary trips to Africa and Jamaica insulate her from accusations of racism, but all they say to me is that she likes black people just fine as long as they stay in their…

Glad you asked; the answer is helpful for clarifying. Police acting like entitled assholes who can just grab a black man off the street at will and hold onto him while interrogating him , then use the first excuse to become brutally violent. Yeah, no racial element here. I'm sure they would have treated a young,…

Yeah. Yeah, this. My parents gaslit the hell out of me as a child. I started getting diagnoses of various mental disorders and put on different medications by the time I was 10. By the time I was 18, I'd been in and out of mental wards. But there was nothing "wrong" - no physical or sexual abuse - so I just always…

I'm betting that if you hadn't been there, one of the dudes who had ALSO felt strange and sick, but who couldn't mention it because he didn't want to be like the "crazy" women once all the other dudes rejected your experience, would have gone ahead and mentioned it. Another dude would have then felt ok to say that…

What, you mean you don't name all your eggs and hold little funerals every month?

See, now if only you could say that your reluctance to do any work for them was due to religious beliefs, you could maybe get some protection from being fired for it.

...Where they eventually went on to found the nation of Islam. And "who gets to be Abraham's successor" has been a point of ongoing contention between Jews and Muslims ever since.