You’re sweet. Don’t worry! The blood part stopped. I have a long history of GI issues and this has happened before without actually being a cause for alarm. But I’m so touched that you went out of your way to try to help out a perfect stranger. I’m honored.

Yesterday I finally managed to choke down six ravioli, so now I don’t just need to constantly shit water and blood. And my face looks fucked up. For some reason one of my eyebrows has swollen up like there’s a goddamn grape under my skin. I don’t just look puffy-eyed and blotchy, I look misshapen. And that’s not even…

Oh my god I have never been this stressed before in my life holy crap I can’t feel my fucking hands. hold me.

Holy frijoles, is this an Amelia Bedelia reference?!

Ummm, that’s awesome! What an excellently useful skill! What sorts of other electronics projects do you do?

Here’s the unfinished bottom I’m working on right now.

Show me your crafts!

Ouch, my soul. I am so sorry for the pain you carry with you. I am sorry that there is no way to lighten that burden. I am sorry that life, although glorious, is incredibly brief, and that death is a tragedy. I hope you find many more reasons to smile.

“Make America great again” is SUCH a neg.

Admittedly it may have been a bit unhinged but I can’t deny what a great cause you were supporting. I, too, believe in being kind to dogs.

Well, that’s just plain delightful.

I’m so sorry your egg never hatched and you didn’t get to have an awesome duck sidekick.

Oh boy. When I was little I tried to save a pet tree I had by giving it sugar power because I had learned something in school that had me convinced that this would be helpful. I am sorry that you killed the cactus as dead as I killed my tiny tree. I understand this shame.

I can’t believe she freaking told you.

Idiots? I’ll leave that for you to decide. But you were adorable, adorable idiots and I support you all the way.

When I was in second grade my friends and I made up a club called Save the Animals. We made flyers with assorted conservation and recycling tips and then xeroxed tons of copies and passed them out door to door. Also, we spent a long time gathering together crickets and putting them in a hole before winter for reasons…

Oh boy, that would be hilarious. I’m a seriously non-touchingy person who washes their hands fifty times a day so if by some horrible twist of luck I came across three different strains of mono I’d say there’s just no fighting it. Kiss everybody, everybody can just save on doing dishes by using one cup, DOES NOT…

A while back I was on Accutane and man oh man my lips were delightful. They were cracking and dry and bleeding and no amount of those waxy balm sticks made any difference.

I feel kind of weird about swapping spit with folks because I’ve had mono three times (once you get it, apparently it can come back ‘n surprise you) so I worry that my spit is poison that I need to keep away from people. However, when I actually got it the first time back in college I wasn’t swapping spit with…

Drinking has never been my bag, really- finicky gut, not worth the trouble- but I’ve been having such bad insomnia lately it certainly feels like I’m a strange sort of drunk.