Ugh thinking of the smell of one of those gross microwaved meals makes me shudder.

Ugh, I had a trainer put me on a diet that I later learned was the diet that body builders stick to for the two weeks before a competition. She wanted me on it indefinitely. It was horrible and I stopped seeing her.

Ah hahaha haha my family and I reference this scene allllllllll the time

I’ll be out to do the set up later today ;)

SUPERBROCCOLI!

Woke up before we got to that part....it was weird I was like guys we shouldn’t get on the boat and they were like no it’s fine and I was like well maybe my advanced knowledge of what happens will save us. I’d probably die first in a zombie apocalypse because I try to make friends with the zombies.

So, room on the door or nah?

Because it would be heartbreaking if we ever lose that childlike sense of wonder. So we go on pretending that there’s adventure ahead. Sadly, there’s usually only superfood. Which sadly, isn’t even putting capes on your carrots and making zoom noises.

I had a dream last night I was on the Titanic with Jack and Rose. I don’t know I just thought it was weird and thought I’d share.

Is it Jennifer Lopez?

Seriously. Ordering food from restaurants is for stuff it is too much of a pain/not economical to cook, not because you are unable to locate the grocery store or own a pan. This seems to be aimed at 20-something kids who don’t really need to worry about getting pepperoni on their pizza... yet.

Make eye contact with the delivery person. Say to them, “I did this. I am why you are here and I did it on purpose.” When they ask for your signature say, “I was already going to sign anyway.” Then, sign and tip just over 15% because you want to make your ethnicity look respectable.

Who gets healthy delivery food? You are already too lazy to get out of your chair.

U nd ur brahs don’t go out for ‘chos and ‘za?

“well shit, if I only order one thing, then the delivery fee is like 20% of the order. It’s most cost-effective if I order five times as much. I can’t lose!”

I stopped reading after you abbreviated Nachos to ‘chos. Don’t do this. This is not a thing.

This is goddamn America and you’ll have to pry my quart-sized container of pork fried rice, my gallon of creamy tikka masala, and my milkshake bucket out of my cold dead atherosclerotic hands.

“How to order delivery without feeling like shit”

Oh, I thought this was going to be about ordering enough food to feed 4 people and then yelling to your imaginary family “Food’s here!” so that the delivery guy doesn’t think you’re a loser ordering a single serving of orange chicken on a Friday night.

If you order delivery ceviche, you will die.