This bird is really hoping you didn’t notice that fart.

For appreciating my mother’s generosity, acknowledging my unfair advantage, and wishing everyone else enjoyed the same good fortune? Yeah, I’m a total garbage person.

Even aside from how dumb this whole interview is, like come on with this, man:

This series is much more depressing than periodically learning about Oddibe McDowell’s water bill.

Remember that one time he violated California law in order to secretly record conversations to spy on his “rivals” within the organization? It is a wonder why he can’t get another job.

In the total time it’s going to take for him to get back on the court, Carson Wentz will have suffered and recovered from three season-ending injuries.

He looks like he ate Frank Thomas

He went off the rails when he walked in on this:

In a perfect world, we’d all be high-net-worth individuals, busy-busy with our awesome #bebest strive-for-perfection lives, platform as a service users for everything (even instant home delivery of toilet paper - mid dump), and obsessive compulsive online shoppers.

No.

As a dreamboat myself, I can certainly relate to Cody Bellinger’s problem—all of the young men who watch my Metal Gear Twitch stream keep begging me to nut on camera, and it’s like at a certain point, who am I to deny them?

it’s worth remembering that hugging or otherwise touching a stranger without their permission is totally uncool

His badgering has already prompted the bill’s authors to add language stating they’d monitor the results of the working group.

“We reached out to three-time Heisman Trophy winner QB #12 but received no response as of publication.”

$1,500. lol go fuck yourself Cam. Paris to Charlotte. That is a 9 hour 20 min flight.

...between the USWNT and France on Friday in Paris.

“Hey man, free shoes!” -Jim Tomsula 

“It will annoy the bar staff, as they have to take extra time to make a specialty drink.”