I'M GOING TO EMAIL YOU BUT CAN I PLEASE SUBMIT A STORY ABOUT THE TIME I HAD SEX WITH AN ARGENTINAN MAN ON THE PING PONG TABLE AT A HOSTEL AND THEN WAS ALMOST ARRESTED IN A DRUNKEN FALAFEL RELATED INCIDENT?

i used to work retail at an airport concourse mall. my boss there was actually also my boss at my other job - he hired me to work with him at his second job. relevant to the story: my boss was an african american male, i am a caucasian female. it was a leather luggage store and she was a rich woman, the kind who can…

And these entitled fucks think if you go to college you get a good job like they did when they were young, before they destroyed society by doing a bunch of coke and voting for Reagan. "This'll work fine!"

Attack people. They attack people.

I had a table once whisper loudly to their children, "if you don't go to college, you'll end up waiting tables like her..." while I was prebussing their table.

Only a deranged asshole would order bacon extra limp, then offer said gelatinous fatty tissue to a terrified waitress as a peace offering. Crispy or nothing, limp dick psycho Santa.

It's about ethics in cake decorating.

Just this one, I think:

Voting for Shang

I see Olive Garden finally got in touch with their Roman roots, in the worst way possible.

Serf & Turf

Bootstrap talk make Ricky horny.

"Sorcia, I'm in love with your best friend [a dude with a hilariously ridiculous name that I cannot post here]. We're moving to Virginia and I hope you'll be happy for us."

You dated Newt Gingrich?

The ice bucket thing filled me with RAGE. People were like "oh but it's raising awareness for ALS!" Me: "Okay, good. Explain to me what ALS is, then."

Well, it is something that would make many people on the spectrum profoundly uncomfortable so...

What in the immortal FUCK does this have to do with autism?

Here's the proud papa

ALSO THIS: