I also have a proposal for bringing the cost of childcare down dramatically to $0 a year. It’s called don’t have any fucking kids. With people like Donald and Ivanka Trump currently staining the carpets of the White House, what more proof could you possibly need that nobody else should have to endure the current…

I still can’t find that dick pic and I want it. I know Jeff Bezos turned into the worst kind of corporate bogeyman, but his douchey glow up that accompanied it makes me hot. He can love what’s her face alive and he can fuck me to death. 

RIP Morn. 

Everybody knows you do your best evil when you start your morning absolutely PACKED with all the essential vitamins and minerals. 

Precisely. You almost (almooost) have to feel bad for Jair. He’s got to be sitting across the room thinking “oh man this is not the kind of association and PR projection we strong armed facists need right now during this opportune time of ring wing popularity” while trump sits over there yelling at nobody in…

I can only assume said this after washing down two more adderall with a Diet Coke whilst donning what he assumes is the national style staple of Brazil, a sombrero. And I know I’m just being funny but like... this honestly sounds like something that we’d hear about and be like “that silly, dumb, racist, senile hoot is…

A fact I consider when pondering the possibility of the universe having intelligent design. And hurricanes. 

Girl, no. Every time I meet someone from Florida that’s moved away, I’m always like “yeah, I could have guessed on my own” while I steel myself for some kind of truly insane reaction. Unless by “down here” you mean northern Floridians to south Florida?

It’s futile really. Most of that shit ends up washing back up on the shore again. And the last thing we need is for Florida to spend some time at sea and then come washing ashore somehow reeking more of swampy decay and bath salts. 

I’ll have my editor get a copy out to you ASAP. Once I get an editor. Or write a book to be copied. But you’ll love it! Think Anne Rice meets James Patterson but where all the characters are suspensefully stupid. 

Now that you mention it, she does bare a striking resemblance...okay or not. My picture of a search result of “ugly Chinese crested dog” seems to just perpetually upload to no actual success. I tried. Turns out my erotic supernatural political thriller won’t be getting the collectors edition with pictures. Sorry.

I imagine he’s probably choked her to death a few times and buried her body in the yard in the night after one of these romps only to wake up to her alive and smiling at him as he opens his eyes telling him she’s off to work and thanking him for the wild night with a coy wink that says “already waiting for whatever…

Jesus, I’ve never seen them all written together like that. I... may need a few minutes. Fuck. 

Thoughts and prayers to the nazi cousin fuckers who will be affected by the incoming changes. 

I just snorted my breakfast cereal into my nose when I read this. Dying! (Of laughter, not choking on my kashi.) 

That Beto outraised Bernie got a childish “fight fight fight” but all the other coverage of Beto is like “omg Beto STOP standing on tables. That’s not a thing. Stop trying to make it happen.” Real hard-hitting journalism going on around here lately. Now excuse me while I spend the morning trying to figure out how to…

The thought of being penetrated by Florida makes me want to die every bit as much as I surely would from being actually fucked by a dick as awful and fetid and venereal as Florida. 

They’re free to even the scales and bring rural gun crime up to a relative equal statistic. I feel like in a very short amount of time, the rural population would cease to exist (if only!). 

And more numerously, anytime it dropped below 50 at all? It could be broad daylight, blazing sun, and 40 degrees and I swear Houston would close its school district for extreme weather and tell everyone to be safe out there if you HAVE to go outside. I live in Chicago now where if it’s 40 degrees, I am like FINALLY I…

The both of you are making me extremely anxious with the idea of being without the ac AND the internet. I see me, after three days without, lurking on a darkened street corner offering strangers blow jobs for a kinja star and any kinky thing you want for ten minutes if I can check my email and delete my spam messages.