Ok, officially naming my memoir “Which Hole is the Clit?”

Gently insert a biscuit into your lovers mouth to let him know he is using just the right amount of tongue.

I would take a pumpkin-spice fueled scarf orgy over constant upper lip sweat nine times out of ten and twice on sundays.

Guys, you are so out of touch. My grandmother told me all of these stories, word for word, like months ago.

you know you’ve truly messed up when TMZ calls anything you do “offensive” and “bizarre.”

Umm I’ll have you know that I gave birth in the beautiful Hudson River and my baby was blessed with not two, but THREE perfectly healthy feet.

this baby has a name and that name is Angelina Jolie

I am currently experiencing overwhelming amounts of secondhand cringe

omg this is my time to shine. this is my hometown and i am #blessed to be in several Pearl River facebook groups who first reported on terrorist cat. Here is the original post which started the firestorm:

Been there, done that, presumably got his heart broken.

I can finally rest easy knowing who Drake was referencing in this!!

i need to know which person you are talking about

Um this is clearly an anagram and we should actually be looking for a one “Rag Hymen Frill.”

One of my violin students the other day casually stated, “My dad isn’t feeling well and has pooped 17 times today.” So yeah, this is a valid concern (for younger children, as you pointed out).

While those things on her eyes might *look* like swimming googles, they’re actually tiny telescopes that let her see up to 6 miles away!

If you read the fine print on the “Don’t Hurry Be Happy Pullover,” it clearly states that “wearers may be subject to drawstring-induced concussions for buying a friggin’ flimsy-ass sweatshirt for $150.” Word for word, y’all.

but please please please, don’t give her the same accent she had on 30 rock