We used to call it “chi-pot-el” sometimes, because my friend’s GPS used to call it that, for some batshit reason.

If it doesn’t say ‘coke’ on the fucking can, it is not coke.

You are literally the devil.

My best friend is beginning her neurosurgery internship in the fall and ademantly calls it a “Reesee cup.”

You are making that up. That’s horrible.

Oh my God, the Chi-POLE-tay people.

“KARL-MAL?!” WTF?!

My mother says “reeshees”, yet I still haven’t committed matricide. I’m such a good daughter.

Say you have a friend named Reese.

Is this real life?!

He’s kind of got the awkwardness of a 14 year old...combined with the fashion sense of my father-in-law.

Oh you know, us brown people are supposed to be thrilled when we’re told that we’re good in English! It’s like learning a fancy pants super power that’s not accessible in caves or boats or wherever us non-whites came from.

Completely unasked and unprompted in any way:

I’ve heard the variation that goes, “Most men don’t like women who have short hair like yours, but I love it.”

..but... that’s not even.. what english lit is..... it’s not about learning english.....
jesus what a fucking idiot

The scene: Halloween, circa 2013, near the beginning surge of Capitol Hill’s tragic bropocalypse. I was at a packed bar, dressed as Link from Zelda. I am very, very good at costumes. Your typical douchebro grabs my shoulder to get my attention. He is already doing that obvious PUA thing: using a familiar touch and…

“You give off a ‘funky chick’ vibe, so I thought you’d be into it,” said the man who sexually assaulted me at work. :/

Need a word-of-the-day calendar based on this comment section, but with the stories instead of words. They’ll be sold to men to remind them how not to be a douchebag, and why that woman on the bus rejected you.

I was in my early twenties, and bemoaning the fact that I was single to one of my girlfriends. I was busy feeling sorry for myself, and blamed it on my weight. My friend looked at me and said, “It’s not your weight. I mean, look at me- *I’m* not obese and I’m single!”