I remember being in my early 20's and thinking this would be the dream.

I got one, I got one:

(if you don’t know it, look it up, I am both sorry and you’re very welcome)

Many years ago, an old girlfriend, an attention starved woman when we would go out and try a new restaurant would always make some “offhand” comment to the hostess, wait staff to pretty much anyone that work in the restaurant that it was her birthday, even though it wasn’t. She wanted the attention and whatever they…

One of my favorite pictures of my friend is of a “surprise birthday” party his girlfriend staged at a restaurant. It’s one where the staff come out and sing a song and put a giant hat on you and make you pretend to play a tiny guitar. I’m cheering in the background and he’s giving the camera a smile that says “I will…

Your letter just gave me flashbacks to my early waitressing years at the Olive Garden when I had to sing that birthday song almost every damned day, and that is why I hate humanity.

It’s not for the birthday-haver, it’s for their friends and family, who enjoy embarrassing their loved ones.  It’s why I have no friends.

I’ve threatened death and breakups on anyone telling the server it was my birthday.  Having a scene made about me in public is pretty much the last thing my introverted ass wants to happen.

I, for one, respect your authoritaaaaaah!

Pete’s is the shit, the selection of food is incredible, especially ethnic foods. To not have to make a side trip to the corresponding small ethnic market is so nice, though I’m sure hitting the bottom line of some of those small businesses. Mariano’s has really gone down the shitter recently. Jewel was really…

This story reminds me of the first time I had any Asian food. For some reason a family opened a Chinese restaurant in my little Wisconsin home town. As a kid I always figured they got lost on their way to Wisconsin Dells and decided to stop and make the best of it. My Mom took to me and it was wonderful. My first…

I wish there was one grocery store that satisfied all of my needs, luckily I’ve got two stores a stone’s throw from each other that pretty much do the trick (I’m in Chicago): Harvest Time and Gene’s Sausage Shop.

I’ve never cared for milk straight, but I love basically all of its byproducts.

Deans is the maker of both Deans Dairy and Jilberts brand ice cream. If you are from the northern part of the midwest theres a good chance a chill just went down your spine reading that.
Mackinaw Island Fudge and Moosetracks Ice Cream!!

SAVE DEAN! BAIL OUT THE MOOSE TRACKS! BAIL OUT MACKINAW ISLAND FUDGE!  

I humbly submit tea with coconut cream. It’s the only thing I kept from stupid keto.

I distinctly remember being told that when I was an adult I could drink all the chocolate milk I wanted. This whole thing makes me feel cheated.

Not really. The truth is we’ve been overproducing milk for a while now, and without Dean Foods cutting down their production, this was sort of bound to happen. May the Dairy…

Yes. I am nowhere near the stable adult life with the big home and giant dinner table I used to imagine I’d have at 36 years old, but whenever I do get there, ham is 100% replacing turkey on Thanksgiving.

Reminded me of this scene from Maximum Overdrive...

Doesn’t say the puppy is alive.

Just another thing to avoid on Michigan Avenue.