Theme of next stump speech: “I’m a cuck, you’re a cuck.”

We all do because we’re all pretty gay.

So happy Ashley landed here. Never change.

“El Gigante ... ya dead?”

Masturbation should be as much a part of your daily routine as taking a shower. Multitask if you have to.

Javelin referee. I just know I’d get impaled.

Good to know Michael Cole still sucks.

Don’t you all see that OBAMA is an anagram of MOHAMMAD?

Smiling Jordan

It must suck for everyone else to keep seeing her swim the other way.

It means do you like having your stereo and TV on at the same time.

Farting is hilarious and should be celebrated as such, whether the vibrant toot comes from a man or a woman. In the words of Louis CK, you don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you’d have to be stupid not to.

She tested positive for crack.

Yeah! SUCK A DICK TRUMP!!

Here’s young Phelps practicing the freestyle:

I’ll believe it when USA basketball starts shooting nothing but half court hook shots.

Justice!

I wish I knew. A place that hates cheating.