1. I’m a 25-year-old male who votes democrat. I have zero problem with anyone smoking weed or having sex with a lot of women. I was actually taking this as a positive. I like sex, Fred Smoot and weed, among other things.

Thank you for this post, Patricia. If you have time, another settlement has asked for your help. I’ve marked it on your map.

This is an outrageous overreach by the government. Does Montgomery County have a rural government building that can be taken over? I promised my family I’d be around for MLK day, but supporting our constitutional right to backyard hockey is more important. I have two days’ worth of supplies. Meet you guys there.

And where they can also hold Combat Zone Wrestling shows, too!

When Jameis Winston was reached for comment, a bunch of packages of crab legs fell out of his shirt.

I did not vote for Griffey!

Man, Peyton Manning turns down an interview request just this one time and Mort makes it personal.

Did you name him Baltasar, Caspar, or Melchior?

Does it have an Authentic Italian Connection like Victoria or Rao’s? No. Did Paul Newman even ever play an Italian character? No idea. But all it needs is a bay leaf, is not hard to find and occassionally on sale.

My SUPER Italian grandfather used to always yell at me for not calling sauce “gravy.” I got the last laugh, though—he had a heart attack and died in his sleep.

If he were jerking off, he probably would have turned off the Victoria’s Secret show to avoid the distraction.

Technically it’s G-D-A-E on any violin

Then Saban issued a challenge to the reporters assembled: “Come closer to the dais here. Really pack it in. Then peer down into my throat. What you’ll see staring back at you is the jet black emptiness waiting for all of us once my acolytes summon another Championship bauble to the temple. With just one more crystal…

Don’t you mean she’s basically Holly Holm?

And as we speak Jerry is in the final stages of negotiating to bring Brett Favre’s jersey out of retirement. “We feel that right now this jersey will be our best option at quarterback.”

That fan is probably mad that Alabama hasn’t paid enough to lure an NFL starting-caliber quarterback to their organization.

Donald Trump remembers seeing thousands of Muslims cheering Cam Newton’s pay-for-play scandal.