You know what’s kind of crazy, or not considering who we are referring to, is that Donald has not really mentioned the people of Houston or its surrounding areas. He mentions Harvey a lot, he mentions the city of Houston a lot, but he does not mention the people (other than crowd sizes). There is no empathy or…

“Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Stool Pigeon Parrot Sings Like Canary!”

We had a talking parrot when I was a kid and they are so incredibly smart. He would yell “shut the door” whenever anyone left the house and learned to count in English and Spanish from watching Sesame Street with me. His language skills were incredible and he actually adapted and learned. My mom hated him and always…

I showed this story to my wife.

Are you sure it wasn’t a canary?

My voice as I hear it:

That was a comically quick turnaround.

Canada: That nice kid who occasionally does weird things that are irrationally upsetting. Stop eating ketchup chips, you goddamn spaz. I promise you they do something as strange as cutting up hotdogs and dipping them in ranch, and we just haven’t found that out yet.

I see you shiver with antici

I’m beginning to wonder if the people running KFC realize Colonel Sanders actually was a person and not a cartoon mascot they made up a long time ago.

“247 accidents reported”

Kinder Eggs, this is the reason.

For Audi, VIN stands for Vehicles w/ Identical Numbers

Can you imagine the horror of a CarFax search on that....

Buying my car last October showed me that I might be color blind.

She’s still looking for a parking spot for her gold plated sub.

I’m sure if you really want to fuck some horses, someone on Craigslist can help out. Dream big!

We actually have more people than bears now!

Sell a car on craigslist that isn’t running, can’t drive off with it, if it doesn’t run.