To get out of this years office xmas party I told my boss my grandmother had AIDS and she needed me to help her find a lawyer to sue Charlie Sheen.

Cubs fans are fair weather babies. They weren’t there a season ago, before the Epstein era.

NO, they aren’t.

I hope the Cubs never win it.

Oh, awesome, you contracted Gawker Trump Insanity Disease. Let's mix politics with sports. Great idea on par with with inside the egg scrambler or the Slanket.

Is your name, by chance, Michael Bolton? (and I’m going to need that TPS report....)

Usually when I lose money because of the Redskins it’s because I went on a weekend bender at Foxwoods. This game was a refreshing change of pace.

I’m partial to Heavyweights.

Say what you will about Guy Fieri, but that man is living his best life. Look at that man’s happiness! He exudes pure, unbridled joy! I don’t get it, but I’m not gonna knock him for it.

Probably wondering why she didn’t take the barest precautions like finding out if a day care was licensed or not.

Or, you could just not have kids you cannot afford.

That it’s taken this long for the Rams to make the switch from Nick Foles, who has led St. Louis to league-worst marks in just about every passing metric, is more a testament to the fact that Plan B isn’t very attractive either. But at 4-5, they aren’t out of things yet, so why not put up a Hail Mary and hand things…

Shhh, this is Deadspin, we must complain about everything.

Andy Dalton is a clown for being too nice. Greg Hardy is a clown for not being nice enough. Enlighten us on the exact amount of cool a professional athlete should exhibit.

It's ok to state your beliefs as long as they agree with the liberal media agenda. That is all.

Albert Burneko is a selfish lover and enters the same contest multiple times on FanDuel.

Fuck the Cubs. Fuck Andre Dawson. Fuck Wrigley Field. Fuck The Ivy. Fuck Harry Carey. Fuck Moises Alou. Fuck Joe Maddon. Fuck Sketchers Shoes. Fuck The Curse of the Billy Goat. Fuck Eric Stoltz. And Most Importantly Fuck You.

Derrick Rose has blurry vision and might miss the season opener. Your 2-4 Bears just gave the Lions their first win of the year. Kane might have raped somebody. Not great times, guys.

You’re right...it’d only be fair, cubs fans were nothing but graceful after their wins in the wild card game and NLDS, so we really should try to—PPPFFFFFFT BAHAHAHAHA oh man, sorry, couldn’t finish that one with a straight face

Why would anyone want to work somewhere where people didn’t like them anyway? If the environment is openly hostile to you, get out, there are other places to work. Then again, I’m an open-minded person. Anti-discrimination laws exist so that lawyers will have something to sue over even if an employee is ghastly at…