My result is the Porsche 911. If that actually comes with a Porsche 911, I'd say this is a massive success. I'd settle for borrowing one from Seinfeld or Leno for a day.

A+ gif, A+ screen name. You're doing alright.

[T]he man who tried to mail off a letter bomb, had it returned for insufficient postage, and merrily opened it up when it came back to him...

That is precious. More importantly: THERE IS MORE THAN ONE MAN WHO IS EXACTLY THAT FINE?! Jesus.

SHONDA.

Right there with you. An Amazon package arrived at the office today with my name on it and just as I was about to open it to figure what hell it could be, I remembered I'd ordered the LELO Ina 2. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.

Packages are the fucking best. Opposite of best: bus stops. There's one right outside my office and it is my daily nightmare. Every morning I roll up to the building to see what fresh hell awaits me (our city isn't more crime-ridden than the average American city but we have a disproportionately large homeless…

Oh colorism, probably the most tragic effluent of institutionalized racism and colonialism. The phenomenon of colorism within communities of color rips my fucking guts out.

Trust.

Snaps for that Lupita shout out. "OMG SHE'S SO DARK AND (yet, somehow!!!) PURDY!!111" - white women everywhere.

That makes total sense.

Gold star. For real.

omg what?! Nooooo (and thanks for the heads up). GAH.

Now ain't that some shade. Damn, b.

And cue predictable Unnecessary Internet Rage. Were you attacked a by a marauding DC area package thief as a child? Damn.

Turns out most people don't live in DC though? And these people probably could figure out an alternative either way? Dog shit is, regardless, an admirable tack.

Ha, dude, where do you work?? I work smack dab in the middle of a significant city and errybody be havin' they shit delivered to the office.

At the risk of victim-blaming, maybe don't have shit delivered to your home address if you're not going to be there? That's what workplaces are for, yo. And also fuck that guy and the dog poop-covered (probably stolen) horse he rode in on.

He was the WORST on SNL. I couldn't stand him. Like, WHY is this dude here?? He really did ruin every goddamn sketch he was in. But The Tonight Show retroactively validates his place on SNL, I think. He's legitimately very talented and very funny. That said, I still don't watch The Tonight Show. (I never did, save for…

Gabourey is my boo for real. Hers was the only tweet that made me laugh. She needs her own show with a writing, and maybe even producing, credit. Bitch is bril.