Hyundai is the new Toyota. 

I simultaneously love and hate that brush guard. There’s just something uncanny valley about it.

Hmmm, a do-nothing job for wealthy donors’ kids to get recommendations for college and jobs which despise Affirmative Action, huh? And you’re telling me the worse horror stories are being ignored, doing trivial tasks or having someone truthfully tell you that your ponytail looked lazily done?

“I want to see my team have a record that literally makes them a league-average team just to shut up the assholes I choose to associate with.”

I’ll see your college town and raise you New York City, Manhattan to be exact.

We have multiple colleges here, and many of our bars are college bars.

Unless it’s really slammed, the bartenders here manage to make time to interact with customers

The fact that the bartenders don’t want to interact with YOU has…

At the bars that I go to, the bartenders talk to the customers, unless it’s really really busy.

Maybe the bartenders don’t talk to YOU at the bars YOU frequent, because they know you’re stingy and look down on them. 

You seem triggered.

Need to be escorted to your Safe Space?

I’ll call the ambulette

Look, you chose the lifestyle of being a stingy douchebag - own that, and live it. 

They handed you a beer and walked away because you are a no-tipping asshole and they can sniff you out from a mile away. 

They should’ve just ended halftime shows after Prince’s shadow dick. It’s been all down hill from there.

It doesn’t help that the Super Bowl is in Atlanta and they didn’t get any Atlanta artists. Usher? Outkast? Migos? Childish Gambino? No, let’s go for Adam Levine and his bland brigade.

At first I thought it was the NFL playing it safe, but now I see it’s the NFL having no other options. 

Guess we found out Nathan Peterman’s Instagram burner.

Is this not the norm?

I only know one thing for certain: the speculation will be worse than the reality.

Boston fans, please don't ever change. You're a treasure.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  

I want to turn this play into a snortable powder and inhale it for eternity.

I do not understand why we need to worry about Hart’s redemption, or Louis CK, or Al Franken, or Matt Laurer or any other recent asshat.

I’m pretty sure PETA was taken over by ironic carnivores a decade or so ago who have been using this as a massive trolljob against the people who used to run PETA. That’s the only explanation that makes sense.

YES! All my male relatives are respectful enough to lift the seat when they pee, WHY CAN’T MY FEMALE COWORKERS?

I saw signs in a bathroom that said “If You Hover Lift the Cover” and of course no one did. Piss all over the seat. I don’t get it either! Much easier to lift the seat.