This tweet is 2.5 years old, and it never stops being true.

Unrelated side-note: I get a little annoyed when people trip over themselves when trying to declare my dog’s gender.

YouTube dramas make me feel like saying “ok boomer” to MYSELF.

He tries SO HARD to show how solid his relationship with Jessica Biel is. To me, that screams insecurity. The gestures on Instagram, the long poetic posts....and this MOTHERFUCKER made a career on the infidelity mistakes his teenage girlfriend made. Its sickening.

“People out here butt-chugging sunlight” has me cackling like a movie villain. I feel like Ursula or something. It’s great.

Too be fair tho, given the literal volumes of absolutely wacko, bat-shit, crazy nonsense people have chosen to believe over the last several millennia, this is one of the least offensive things one can believe. And she seems to be saying it without demanding anyone else do it or shaming those who choose not to do so.

Oh, that’s not the last thing. Just ask any ER nurse.

We already sunbathe our assholes....or at least half sunbathe em/fake tan em:

First gambit: physical aggression and violence.

He will, unfortunately, be fully clothed.

“Amidst the breakup, many were worried for Irina Shayk.”

On the one hand, it IS good to check in with people before you’re about to dump something on them. It feels like an ambush sometimes when someone just dumps a bunch of heavy emotional stuff when you aren’t in a position to handle it or respond. If someone just woke up or is running late, they’re not going to be in a…

I would love to have the massive self confidence that it takes to lie so blatantly and then be so completely unrepentant when caught. Or maybe it’s self delusion. Either way, I bet on a day to day basis she has less anxiety and depression than I do.

It might have been ultra-high temperature (UHT) pasteurized milk - instead of heating the milk at 160-ish degrees for 15 seconds, ultra-pasteurized milk is heated at 280 degrees for 2-6 seconds, which kills more (but not all) micro-organisms. Depending on how it’s packaged, UHT can be shelf-stable (you see it on…

I love milk and always have. I will defend my snow white beverage of choice until the end! How can you make real hot cocoa without milk? What would my special spaghetti sauce be without that dash of cream at the end? And dammit, YOU EAT CEREAL WITH MILK. I don’t wanna hear from you weirdos who eat it dry or whatever.

I guess I’m a sociopath then? (Not really, I show none of the signs of it, so eff off Tom.)

Yes, but dammit, we COOK with it. Let’s see you make all your lovely baked goods, sauces, and mac n cheese dishes without it!

This reminds me of when Nicholas Sparks said he doesn’t write romance novels and that he was actually the natural successor to Hemingway, Shakespeare, and Euripides. (I’m 100% serious about this.)

John Legend solicits donations for organizations that help with criminal justice, Hannibal Buress literally solicits donations for landlord legal funds. So nah