Just last night I was literally thinking about starting a cooking series where the host (me, I guess) works with a format like this:

These commenters are nihilists, Donnie. Say what you will about the tenets of nationalist socialism, at least it’s an ethos.

Reeks of cultural appropriation.

Pssst...this obsession with avocado toast and pretending that adding basic seasonings like salt means it’s a recipe is a Basic White Person thing.

You kid. . . but I once remember reading a Martha Stewart Living article about making a lovely trellis for your backyard - WHICH BEGAN WITH INSTRUCTIONS FOR MAKING YOUR OWN PAINT FROM SCRATCH. I think it began with some shady comment like”You COULD just buy paint from a store, but making your own is so much better and…

You drive to Whole Foods? Pussy.

This got a star strictly for:

Ummm, what are the food miles on those avocados, you monster??!! It’s people like you who are destroying our earth. Shame!!!

You’re starting with seeds for wheat? I start with a grain from the Mesozoic era and let millions of years of evolution take its course.

You’re not building your own hut? Pfffft.

Yeah, but who’s watching for bears while you’re at Whole Foods?

Wait, where do you get this ‘axe’ thing? I have a bunch of flint and some sticks and vines...

You're not growing the wheat or the avocados? Poser.

The Bend and Whiplash.

THE POOPHOLE LOOPHOLE

What’s an Argyle Eggfart?

If the FDA would like to recommend a better way to eat my feelings I’d love to hear it.

hey FDA- FUCK YOU. i’ve eaten about 1,00,000 pounds of raw cookie dough and i’m still standing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!