Woman: I just want to be left alone when I walk down the street.

"Dude: That sweet rape money"

Feeling very jealous of the part where you got a local anesthetic. I did NOT get one when I got my Mirena. The doctor said "Oh, you'll just feel a pinch!" OKAY SURE IF BY PINCH YOU MEAN "A HAUNTING OTHERWORLDLY PAIN LIKE YOU'VE NEVER FELT BEFORE AND BY THE WAY THIS SHAKY HANDS MED STUDENT MEASURED THE UTERUS WRONG SO…

I got my IUD almost 13 years ago - 7 weeks to the day after my first son was born.

Also, my periods are totally normal. The only real side-effect is that when I have to fart RILL BAD my pelvis swells up with gaseous awfulness and it makes my Paragard, like, stick into my uterus a little. Like sometimes I feel the stab BEFORE I notice the gas and am like, "Oh, okay, I guess THIS is happeni—"

*fweeeeee…

I have had my Paragard for NINE YEARS THIS MONTH. I got it from a nice woman at Planned Parenthood who said, "Cough," and then grabbed my cervix with a torture device called a tenaculum and then she shoved that copper-wrapped sperm-destroyer up in there and based on my screaming I think the girls in the waiting room…

Sigh. I got pregnant with the copper IUD and had a horrible no good very bad reaction to the Mirena. Incidentally, my cervix spat the copper IUD out at first before accepting it. And then ignoring it and getting pregnant AGAINST MY PRECISE WISHES.

"farms" that raise baby tigers, lions, etc for people to pet, can not keep all of those adult cats because of cost.

Well, it's only Amish sharks that never get cancer.

I will be performing a live reading of this edition of Tara Reid Actual Mermaid Theater later on this evening in my living room. If you wish to attend, tickets are available at the box office for $9.99. Reserve online for a 15% discount or sign-up for our Special Tara Reid Mermaid Theater VIP Club for 20% off all…

I think there is a snaky, shady, SAD subset of people who (consciously or otherwise) are really only interested in sex that they gain through some degree of subterfuge. They get off on feeling like the only one in the pair who knows the full truth and therefore feel in control.

That gif is so mesmerizing, I can't stop staring at it.

My favorite kind of missed connections are when I run into guys that were homophobic to me and I see them at the gay club.

This is not a story about the best time I quit, but instead, the best time I was fired:

I quit two college jobs with both birdies blazing. Job the first: beloved local pizzeria chain. I was an evening hostess/lunchtime server. The head server had worked there for 17 years; since he was 17. He liked to make sexist and racist jokes. I got a lot of the former, since I was uppity enough to be smart and a…

I don't know if it's the best, but it's certainly the most memorable:

Yeah, so the restaurant (franchise, hokey family sit down) I started working at in my last year of high school was run by a shitty owner who bent labour rules in sooo many ways that I did not realize until years after I left.

It's not a great story, but it was so unlike me and so satisfying: