But I thought in America you had a right to bare arms...

I’ll show myself out...

I’m installing a Safe Haven Box for burritos immediately. They must be no more than 1 hour old.

I read the 11:44 one as two men were “chasing” cars and was mad it didn’t get an honourable mention. I liked it better before I reread it.

You have my deep personal gratitude for referring me to this. Even the archives seem like excellent, hilarious ways of distracting myself after a tough day.

You’re right. Like a Bukowski original:

The one about the missing daughter reminded me of the time I went to the drive in with his cousin and his girlfriend. I spent the night because it was late. He dropped me off at our aunt’s hous n the morning because I was staying with her. The time he dropped me off was about 7. That's the time she and our other aunt…

The Arcata Eye’s old police blotter was hands down the best. Plenty of wacky calls and characters, but even the mundane ones would be published as haiku or limericks. Sadly they stopped updating it a few years ago: http://www.arcataeye.com/2013/03/arcata…

LMFAO AT THE CANADIANS OMG

Can we get a regular Jezebel feature of police blotter stories please and thank you.

Oh man if I were that woman I would frame that blurb.

Literally every drunk Scotsman gets the idea to just invade England. “I could dae it fuck the lot ae ye.”

Drew, my celebrity doppelgänger, we basically got knocked up at the same time.. Twice. So let’s get together and let our kids roll around in the grass while I peruse your closet and help you shed some old ensembles and make room for your new single lady looks. I really don’t mind.

I bought a little 1930 date book a few years ago for like 5 bucks at a flea market. Turns out to be the diary of young women, Daisy, and all the goings on in her Midwestern city that year. I just dug it out. On this date she wrote "Doc met me after work and we went to The Lyric and saw Sue Gordon(?) in 'The Big…

KaBloom

One time my boyfriend noticed that I had a hair stuck to my face. When he went to pull it off my entire cheek drew toward him like he had hooked a fish. When it finally released from its pore it had to have been four inches long. I look at myself every day, how did I not once see that growing!

Maybe I should start naming the three or four chin hairs that go from “invisible” to “one centimeter long and spiky” overnight.

And that one bastard on my jawline that I SWEAR TO GOD becomes two inches long before I notice it.

My office does not even have small trash cans in the stalls of the ladies room. This is an office that was built in 2008. They have kindly supplied us with those old school disposal bags in the stalls that you can then throw in the trash can outside of the stall.