Literally every drunk Scotsman gets the idea to just invade England. “I could dae it fuck the lot ae ye.”

Drew, my celebrity doppelgänger, we basically got knocked up at the same time.. Twice. So let’s get together and let our kids roll around in the grass while I peruse your closet and help you shed some old ensembles and make room for your new single lady looks. I really don’t mind.

I bought a little 1930 date book a few years ago for like 5 bucks at a flea market. Turns out to be the diary of young women, Daisy, and all the goings on in her Midwestern city that year. I just dug it out. On this date she wrote "Doc met me after work and we went to The Lyric and saw Sue Gordon(?) in 'The Big…

KaBloom

One time my boyfriend noticed that I had a hair stuck to my face. When he went to pull it off my entire cheek drew toward him like he had hooked a fish. When it finally released from its pore it had to have been four inches long. I look at myself every day, how did I not once see that growing!

Maybe I should start naming the three or four chin hairs that go from “invisible” to “one centimeter long and spiky” overnight.

And that one bastard on my jawline that I SWEAR TO GOD becomes two inches long before I notice it.

My office does not even have small trash cans in the stalls of the ladies room. This is an office that was built in 2008. They have kindly supplied us with those old school disposal bags in the stalls that you can then throw in the trash can outside of the stall.

i was helping my friend move in to his off-campus house, and we went shopping and he came up to me all cute and embarassed and said “i want to get lady products to keep in the house in case someone needs them, can you help me?” and i was so happy and it was so amazing and all men should be like josh.

I want that on my grave.

For putting that image in my mind, I’m inflicting this poem upon you:

One of the family stories that never fails to get told on me at any gathering is the time, as a kid, I suggested to my mom she should get “Empress” size stockings/hose off the rack, because an “empress” was better than a “queen.” If looks could kill . . . I don’t know if “empress” is around any longer as a size, but…

No thot shots. Keep it under your hat Pope. There are kids watching.

Then Jayne Mansfield’s bathroom will give you the heebie jeebies.

As a fellow early starter, I feel your pain. These would be even more helpful in elementary and junior high schools, before kids are used to the surprise bloody clothing.

Ohhhh god I remember being 11, class was in the library, and asking my male teacher if I could leave for the bathroom but I needed to go by the classroom first (for a pad). He kept asking why I needed to go to the room first. Errrr 11 year old me not able or willing to explain that.

I had to go to the school nurse for them in fourth grade.

“I am a person. I have a person-ality. I take things person-ally, because I’m person-able. You can’t do those things when you’re not a person. And I am a person.”

BUT HOW HUMAN BE MORE THAN ONE IDENTITY SAME TIME? HOW WOMAN HAVE THOUGHTS? WHY WOMAN SPEAK? HOW IS BABBY FORMED? HOW MY NAME ANCIENT EMPEROR? TRUMP2016!

My favorite celeb encounter story from that trip was a picture he had of himself with an older lady (in Italy? Can’t recall right now) who apparently really did act like a slightly scattered homeless person, greeting people and telling them stories about how she had once Been Somebody. He’s giving her a big hug around…