The more demure version.

That's why her hair is so big—its full of self-awareness

These arms. I would give anything to have these arms. In theory, I would give anything. In practice, it looks like I'm going to hang on to my Starbursts.

It kind of weirds me out when an employee just appears seemingly out of thin air next to me with that :D look on their face. Some people need to wear a bell.

Overrated doesn't mean it isn't delicious.

Who needs Strunk and White when we got fritobanditos on the case?

I was thinking the same thing, so I went ahead and masterbated just to be safe.

Russian judge gave them a 4.

Jesus. They look like something a Kardashian robot threw up.

He died last year of old age.

*frowns and walks away in shame*

I'll never be made love to the way he makes love to the camera.

That baby could totally roll out, at least MJ didn't have his baby inches away from a dogs fangs. I could see it now—dog snaps at baby, because you can see it is clearly terrified of that kid, baby jerks and falls. And Prince Harry is once again a contender.

Charles and Diana were related?

Paranoia is circumstantial. Stench is objective. Dry eyes can be easily remedied with a couple of drops OR a nap! Also awesome when high! And cotton mouth? A tasty beverage for you my friend! WEED ALL DAY.

As a person who uses caffeine on a daily basis and chooses to pass on the weed, I have to ask:

So the best drug is going to be the one that makes you functional and sober.

When caffeine wins you should rename this site MidwestChristianSeniorCitizens.com.

Should have stayed in hospital. They have better drugs there.

Congratulations on the baby and years of sex! I've never thought of that as a holiday before, but our "sexiversary" is NYE. Holiday whores* unite!