"You got the water based, you got oil based, you got the silicone based. That's a weird one. Cos that's what I want to think of when I'm greasing my ass up: sand. "

I wouldn't want to go to mine and I've still got a bunch of friends from school, I would be interested in what others are up to and ummm, I wasn't raped.

"Doctor, I've got a throbbing erection and it's been 4 hours"
"Cool, I'm on my way over "

I once had an involuntary shudder in a meeting when someone suggested "sounding him out" and couldn't explain myself

Just me, or did the first letter's advice seem the wrong way round?

Honestly, cucumber and spring onions is such a great combination. Whoever first put them together wants applauding

I like a recipe that assumes I can get mirin, but not egg noodles.

I was watching a skateboarding fail compilation the other day and a guy got seriously hurt, blood everywhere and the first things the people watching did was yell about whether to call and ambulance.

If Edinburgh festival is anything to go by its a real killer on fathers

I reckon Johnny Cash is in purgatory because heaven has a pastel dress code (like in Bill and Ted) and he's not stopping being the man in black.

Thanks for all your condolences. I'm not sure what cancer it was but if you can get yourself checked, do so. That's all I can offer

If I remember rightly from my friend who worked there, it's par frozen. It might even be shipped over from one factory.

Kinda weird that TV cratered attendance for live games, as the big TV revolution in English football in the 90's increased the gates (they are at their highest average since the 50's and there were all-standing, unlimited only by how dangerous you wanted it to be).

"How did we do today?"
"We're… We're one umbrella down"
"Oh, they will pay for this. Pay hard"

Especially as Subway is on every high Street in Britain. We have more subways than McDonald's

My body is a wonderland. In that there's almost certainly a rotting abandoned theme park called wonderland

Found out this week that a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer on Saturday and was dead by Tuesday.

I was reading recently that the trouble with Britain's National Health Service (Apart from it being systematically underfunded for ideological reasons) is that there's the people who come, think that they have everything wrong, and waste a lot of resources. But there's also people who have something wrong but are…

So much stuff is ghost links, it's amazing. The largest collection of human knowledge and we are letting it be eaten from the edges, like inviting termites into the Library of Alexandria.

I listened to Is This It the other day and it's got a shit ton of filler.