“Yeah, Acme Towing? I need help bad bro. My car is stuck in the mud out here real, real bad.”

The only thing this story is missing right now is the palpably disappointed commentary of one Hawk Harrelson.

I also sweat a lot. Can’t wear certain color shorts in the summer because of the fear of visible butt sweat...This guy though..he’s on a whole different level. He should consider spraying himself with scotchgard before he does pretty much anything for the rest of his life. How has he not died from dehydration? How bad…

My step-dad, who likes college basketball better than the NBA because they “try harder” and “play for pride” (so he’s like frozen caveman basketball fan from 1978) - always asks me why NBA teams don’t put on the full-court press for long stretches because college kids do. I have to calmly explain:

Super powers may be an exaggeration, but I watched the game last night and noticed a vast deferens in his abilities.

I’m glad he’s retiring. Now he can help his wife address her HGH problem.

I’m not surprised that the Rockets CEO felt the need to speak out. James Harden obviously wasn’t going to defend himself.

Even with a lead this large OKC still has only 50% chance of winning. The score is meaningless until the end of the game.

I have Sandoval in a rotisserie league and he’s just killing it for me.

Just don’t have a kid.

Pending an improbable exoneration from the internal peer review, everything [Arnold] had worked for is now gone, likely never to be recovered, ever again. Recovery, if there is any, appears to be something deserved only by the Twitter critics of a freelancer whose future writing career will apparently be, like the way…

Malaysian soccer balls have a very unusual pattern on their surface.

Dirty move by Cibulkova to take that point. She knew what happened.

Nice, you nailed that one!

Look, Sting is the proto-Bono, but don’t talk shit about any Police song or album up to and including Ghost In The Machine. And especially don’t bitch about lyrical content and then recommend Prince, who’s songs are all about a) asking somebody to fuck, b) fucking, c) recounting how great the fucking was.

ESPN’s NBA landing page during the game:

Ctrl-Alt-Deflate

Your honor, I have your pizza and insurance quotes.

Reached for comment, the Pats’ head of IT referred to his contract, explaining that “screw with the visiting team’s electronics” is very clear, and if the team only meant for games played at Gillette, they should put it in writing.