Makes sense for both the Bears and Brandon Marshall. Being on another team is usually the best way to catch touchdowns from Jay Cutler.

After this experience, Larry should change his Instagram handle to beyond_runwa.

Well, technically Eli only has one. He lost the other one in the ball pit at a McDonald's PlayPlace.

No serious injuries were reported,

So Larry crash lands on snow and gets a nice Instagram moment...the same thing happens to Josh Hamilton and he gets judged and possibly suspended.

In related news, Eli would like to let everyone know he was on a train that went "choo choo."

He'd be on Tinder banging randoms within the first hour.

Other name-appropriate rivalries:

I was surprised; I was only expecting the teams to exchange burns.

The twist is that the author of this e-mail was Tyler the entire time (spoiler alert).

AM I TOO LATE?

Ted Leonsis: Thanks for attending a marketing meeting on such short notice, everybody. So. I had a dream.

At least it's better than when the Denver Nuggets had their mascot do a reenactment of Billie Holiday's Strange Fruit.

Timely reporting, considering it's March 2.

Tone-deaf? Come on, Tom. It's called grayscale.

OK, so, I feel like I have to address Mason's rape and sexual abuse charges. In February of 1998, when he was 31 years old, he and another man picked up two girls, aged 14 and 15, from a basketball fundraiser event and took them to the other man's home, where some combination of he and the other guy had some variety…

Welcome back, Alex.

Azaelea's lucky this wasn't ESPN Deportes; Flores can translate into dozens.

Better than "Jerry's Basement! Jerry's Basement! Jerry's Basement!," where the first two drinks are always free.

I can't remember what sport it was because we sucked at all of them, but on one of the 2-win teams I was a part of in high school we got to a point where at halftime, if we were getting blown out (we usually were), the players would come together and start chanting, "Jake's barn! Jake's barn!" Jake's barn was where we…