If this is what we have to look forward to on Christmas Eve, we should just see if Draper's dad is willing to get drunk and write stream of consciousness.

Notice you didn't say it was improbable...

Meanwhile, Julius Randle tried to call you to say that he somehow wound up with all of your shopping bags in his car. He's not sure how it happened. But you can come get them, I mean, if you still want them. Didn't seem like you really did in the first place, though, you know, leaving them in the cart while you…

What Deadspin's Commenters' Parents Thought Of Deadspin This Year:

Well Burneko sure as fuck didn't learn how to write from his parents. Way to get right to the point, mom.

You failed to mention the enclosed $49 million Target gift card.

+1 not so bad at all

Dear Watt, I wrote you but you still ain't calling

Tuohy says she tried to avoid discriminating by double-blinding herself.

Wait, so you're telling me that those pussies didn't even ask to finish the shift?

He's just an unfrozen caveman, unaware of your societal expectations that he be angry at mild violence.

If it was any other quarterback, people would say he was trolling. But when Andrew Luck does it he's just being true to himself.

...he says that head coach Marc Trestman's latest comments "put the apostrophe" on the season

Usually sad little plain parties are called "Amish Funerals."

Get in line. The Browns owe everyone an apology.

"typically fantastic performance from DeMarco Murray"

You can't bubble-wrap a quarterback.

To be fair, it actually is an AP photo.

They just wanted to show AP what it feels like to be the victim of a switch.

C'mon... Two wrongs don't make a right and it was tagging family that got Tate in trouble in the first place...