I am a wedding ruiner. I have a history of throwing up at weddings. Once, at a cousin's wedding, because I had just turned 21 and it was my first time experiencing the exquisite wondrous torture that is The Open Bar. I puked everywhere: at the table, in the lobby, outside and in the bathroom. But one good thing about…

FINE I GUESS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER

Oh I also forgot:

My mother. Who took the opportunity during her toast to give my bride my bronzed baby shoes, saying "This is all I have left to give to you of my Gregory. The rest you've already taken for yourself"

My MIL for sure.

My aunt is very much a free-spirit. She is also very much a fan of white wine. These two factors collided during her son's wedding, when she stripped down and went streaking back and forth across the massive picture windows of the wedding reception venue. Then she ran into the water to "cleanse the blessed union" and…

I wouldn't say it was 'royally screwed up' but we did have a bit of fisticuffs. Our venue is on a private school's campus. It used to be the convent and is now the library for the school in one part and a reception/wedding venue in another with the nuns living on the 3rd floor. The school isn't so much in a…

He buys mics by the case because he's always dropping them.

Of course she is ugly. SHE IS WEARING OVERALLS, movie code for "this is the ugly one ok?" When she takes them off and transitions into separates you then know she has blossomed.

Giuliana is a person of color. And that color is often orange.

Also Kelly and Giuliana were recently praising Kylie Jenner for wearing her hair in locs, saying how edgy she looked...

What I learned from this is Allison Janney is fucking awesome and also Easy A is the best teen movie ever.

HOLD ON a minute and explain Canadian milk.

WHAT IS AN HERB

Oh my god.

The funny thing is, I can't even remember how I ended the conversation. It confused me to the point where my memory stopped working or something. I think we ended up with "Green, it tastes green."

Ugh, I hate the people who are just impossible to explain anything to. I had a conversation about pesto this week that went like this:

I really, really hope Linda Colt charged that dumb customer for an Irish coffee and not just a regular one.

That's actually pretty cute. My parents didn't encourage my creepyness, I was just born that way. They actually told me to tone down my vocab when I started school because they were afraid other kids wouldn't like me.

I was a creepy child, as in I was bad at socializing and I knew too many words. Essentially, I was a very small old person who read encyclopedias and watched daytime television. I was also bald (which my mom tried to cover with tiny hats) for the first few years of life to complete the picture.