If I had the means, every bowel movement would be followed with a light eucalyptus spritz administered by an English butler, followed by a robot dog licking the area clean. And then, I get a cupcake.

A hundred years ago an angry Austrian man didn’t get into art school and we got Hitler. Eighteen years ago an angry Austrian man got puked on. Dan, you’ve fucked us all.

Yo, we (Michigan) actually got the UP from Ohio (in a roundabout way), not Wisconsin. I think we can all agree that the UP is 100x better than Toledo, so I think Michigan came out on top of that deal.

...I think you might want to see a podiatrist.

Dan probably has an Inigo Montoya-esque revenge plot against him and this email gave the motorcyclist another clue to tracking him down.

Dude, Larry Bird fucked up his back shoveling crushed rock for his mothers’ driveway, and fans were encouraged to come by his house and watch him mow his lawn. He did shit right.

Horniest team? The Swiss, you idiot.

Actually, no. You only have a right for arms.

I can only hope that the shuttering of Gawker means you’ll be around DS more.

I am sorry I became the big bad Pissboy. I am now the Swimmin’ Prince and the big bad Pissboy for I have brought my body’s water onto the land in a shameful way. In the water land where I live, one must only smile and relax and allow the piss to flow from within. We live in the piss pools and we die in the piss pools.…

Ileana Lochte: “Honey don’t you think you should make a statement about what occurred in Brazil?”

“The Flaccid Four”

And now he’s going to be disqualified for having the runs.

Worth the wait.

Did Lochte lie or just shade the truth? The story on deadspin published last night seems to be the most accurate and comprehensive order of events.

4 piss ass drunk swimmers vandalize a gas station at 6am. Security comes up and demands compensation speaking a foreign language and a gun may or may not have been drawn.

In…

*Randy Marsh sack bouncing gif goes here*

Well done Mr. Ryan:

Toronto: To be a world class city we need the NFL! Send us a team!

He trolls other teams by choosing gimmick captains, and then fucking loses to those same teams.