Oh like you’ve never shot heroin while Jesus gave you a little thrust and rub against the backside of your jeans.

Especially since keeping your trafficking victims drunk or drugged is a pretty common tool for keeping control, encouraging dependence, and making them seem unreliable to any police they might talk to. But sure, a bill trying to keep that from happening as much seems like the right place for a joke designed to…

This guy knows I can pick up a wild eyed 50 something brunette in a dirty shirt at the bus shelter for free, right?

I fucking love pivot tables. Some nice little pivot table action is the high point of my day

I have often joked that if anyone actually wanted to break into some black ops org, you don’t need a helicopter with infrared tech a la Mission Impossible. You just need a visitor sticker that says “auditor” and to wander around with a baffled sort of expression on your face while saying “oh hey, is this where the top…

Hey! I’m a theater and English background CPA too! High five!

Especially since, as a CPA, this stuff written on the mirror should just be a box that says “leases” in it, connected by an arrow to a squishy circle that says “ar” with a random $3m sitting off to the side. This will then stay there on the mirror for a couple months while everyone ignores it since God only knows what…

My husband and I had a good laugh at her idea that leaving to pick up kids from daycare is in the same realm as leaving to help your friend drink margaritas after a bad date. No one calls CPS on you if you’re late for margaritas.

I actually get it too because, quite frankly, many people DO think it’s a fun vacay. I’ve had two kids, I know these people. They send you emails asking if you are enjoying your time off and have time to do them a quick work favor while you’re just trying to ignore the fact that you bled through your giant pad onto…

I don't know about other companies, but my maternity leaves both required medical proof. I think that's pretty common.

538's polling aggregation was off, but their demographic prediction was almost right on the nose. A lot of this does just comedown to demographics. Indiana is over 85% white, for one thing.

To be fair, pretty much everyone else showed up in “nope” too. Remind me of the theme, was it “nope?” Because if so 90% of these ladies killed it.

“This is Canada. Which is nice, although your country is also perfectly nice too. I just want to establish our location in space here, absolutely no judgement at all. What were we talking about again?”

I’m a liberal aethiest feminist and I’ve read the Bible cover to cover. If you want to make sense of the last 2000 years of western politics, art and literature, you kind of have to. but yeah, once you actually delve into the history of how this soup was created and spun for political purposes, it really affirms the…

God, on the other hand, was too busy to respond as he had to queue up an avalanche of legal bills for this thing’s inevitable expensive flame out in the courts.

“We just want to drink a bottle of wine while watching Game of Thrones then go to bed right after.”

Yeah, if I were retired and had nothing better to do than putter around my garden and taste test cheesecake at Costco, I’d toke up too. But I have all these young kids and managerial responsibilities like all the other gen x’s. What made gen x not want to date pot heads is that SOMEONE needs to take the car in for…

This has been the case across the board, not just in NY. Throughout this whole primary, urban centers are better for Hillary, rural areas are better for Sanders. Even in states and cities she lost, the gap was less in the cities for the most case.

I know this is a sarcastic celery appreciation party and not an actual celery appreciation party, but I happen to know a real kick ass celery recipe so imma post it here anyway. Plus, I’m on my second Hillary win celebratory glass of wine. I use red miso instead of anchovy because I married someone who doesn’t agree…

Celery is a digestive who gets fiber done.