As a Twins fan who has watched Ortiz’s career in considerable sadness, :(.

He could [...] bring us back to relevancy!

So let’s put together a hypothetical return on this trade:

They’re going to make him go to Baltimore for making a joke about the Ravens? Seems harsh.

God, now I hope Belicheck screws with them again this season with the eligible receivers.

My favorite part of political discourse is when those clearly lacking any understanding of the most basic concepts of civics inform everyone on the intricacies of Constitutional scholarship in between slurps of their Big Gulp.

Spoiler: the Patriots don’t have a pick in the first round.

CTE is a bitch.

Holy crap, he actually put under employer:

Papa John is a degenerate.

Day tuk urr GERMZ

Wow, the fucking condescension is thick in here...

I love you, just for “hoosegow.”

Word choice is hard here. Should we say “raped” automatically if a grown man has sex with a teenager? Does it matter at all if the 15-year-old, now much older, describes their encounter as one of the best nights of her life? What is our word for a “yes” given on a plane that’s almost vertically unequal?

HRM Queen Elizabeth II, Lord of the Canadian Colony

Bingo.

The “college administration” subspecies.

Kanye rides Snowpiercer?

Thing is, I don’t even really go to Spotify looking for Kanye, Taylor, and Rhianna. I mostly enjoy some of the musicians I have never heard of, chosen on my Discover Weekly list. Having exclusive rights to someone I don’t even want to listen to means nothing to me.

Ha!