My husband and I met in grad school and didn't hit it off immediately. We got stuck in the same miserable class together on Monday nights. It talked about music history, and one night the instructor went on an endless ramble about Schubert's "syphilis attacks" and kept saying the nonsense phrase "syphilis attacks"…

It was a glorious summer day in drawing class so we all went out to the historical cemetery on campus to sketch. I was wearing a red sundress and I decided that I really wanted to get the attention of this one guy I'd been checking out all term.

It is indeed fucking ugly. And in the meantime, LLAMAS motherfuckers. LLAMAS.

But she cry cry cries in her lonely heart...

I always find myself wondering why so many heiresses end up as eccentric recluses.

There is no place worse than 42nd and Broadway.

The Prosecution rests.

My aunt is very much a free-spirit. She is also very much a fan of white wine. These two factors collided during her son's wedding, when she stripped down and went streaking back and forth across the massive picture windows of the wedding reception venue. Then she ran into the water to "cleanse the blessed union" and…

Anyone who tells kids to "ignore them and they'll go away" clearly was never bullied. Ignoring them just makes them try harder. I was bullied by a girl a year younger than me, and channeling my inner stoic ONLY MADE HER WORSE. She ended up tripping me while we were running laps in the parking lot for volleyball,…

Oh, fuck this. I'm guessing he was being bullied at his school and the adults couldn't be bothered to do anything to rein in the little shits, just like it was when I was a kid. The excuses were always, "oh, they need to work it out themselves," or "oh, honey, just ignore them, they're jealous," or other bullshit…

Hi. You're being an asshole.

God, how awful.

We both probably grew up to be geniuses.

My best friend went to see the Phantom of the Opera with her family when we were about 7, and she got the CD and the songbook, and of course that was the focus of all our Barbie play after that. Nothing would do but I had to go see it, too, and that was all I asked for for my birthday that year. I saw it twice that…

OMG! That reminds me of the day my dad told me my mom had been fired. — since I was maybe four year old, I thought she had literally been set ablaze. I was pretty sure I was supposed to feel sad that my mom was dead, but my dad didn't seem all that fazed, so I kept my festerign grief to myself. You can imagine my…

When I was about six I used to smear myself with ketchup and lie on the sidewalk pretending to be dead anytime I saw any vultures flying around. My dastardly plan was to catch one and train it to catch and deliver to me the neighbors cute puppy I so desperately wanted.

I am going to say two things because they are both good. One is brief, one requires more explanation.

I was a creepy child, as in I was bad at socializing and I knew too many words. Essentially, I was a very small old person who read encyclopedias and watched daytime television. I was also bald (which my mom tried to cover with tiny hats) for the first few years of life to complete the picture.