I would like to invite Drake over for a mojito and Aaliyah dance party.

David Moore's new legislation,

I'm only halfway done reading this, but I need you to know that you are an American hero.

~Roland Deschain (Stephen King)

I can cite so many examples of this, but my favorite was the male attorney who asks me to fix the copy machine when it jams. It took me years to finally come up with the proper response, "Ray, I went to the same law school as you, and they still don't offer any office equipment repair classes."

Getting divorced on Valentine's Day — now that's an idea I can get behind.

An aside: oh hayyyy! Is my default response to any question regarding my presence, and has awkwardly escaped my mouth at more than one work related meeting.

KANYE IS A TREASURE AND NO ONE WILL EVER TELL ME DIFFERENT.

Where my other Kanye lovin' Jezzies at?

Jay watching:

If someone pees in public they must register as a sex offender. If someone beats up their partner, the police doesn't give a damn, until there's one or more dead bodies. Why not make them register somewhere, too?

"Ah, a new baby!"

These are not things I remember, but that happened according to my mother.

A booger picked from someone's boyfriend's nose, for $100, and a tragicomically misguided sense of pride and honour. I was 18 and.... not sober.

Another child of alcoholism here. My Mom would make me go to the bar with Dad because (and follow this logic) if he had me then he would be more likely to come home at the end of the night.

I don't get the whole, "never drink in front of children" thing. It's not like you're having BDSM sessions if you enjoy a beer.

I had this exact thought. I hung out in a bar quite a bit when I was little, albeit also a restaurant, that friends' of my parents owned. Probably a bad decision on the Dad's part in retrospect, but I learned to make a mean Shirley Temple and played pool like a champ until I grew and forgot where my limbs were. I…