Look, I just want to know if he’s a lone wolf or if I need to condemn an entire ethnicity. Please advise.

Guaranteed this guy has been part of dead letters.  

Then she’s gotta stop leading with the helmet.  

I don’t think Laura should retire.

Maybe I am the minority but I prefer women who don’t like makeup. The excuse that makeup helps build confidence is a lie in every way imaginable.

Am I supposed to care what you think about makeup or not care what you think about makeup?

I agree though: I’m baffled by people who get married before their late twenties. Even late twenties feels soon. Haha. 

pete rn:

no but in all seriousness, good for her for getting out of an abusive situation, taking care of her children

Not being familiar with “permanent press” is what got him into this mess to begin with!

Weird how you never see John Smoltz and H. Jon Benjamin in the same room.

These are the Bar Mitzvot of the 1%.  They don't represent modern Bar/Bat Mitzvahs.

Clutch move with the preemptive Chopped GIF.  Saving a lot of comment space.

Yeah, that’s the good shit. Now tell me how Hader’s not a racist and that the crowd booing Puig had nothing to do with race. Put it straight in my veins, Mike.

I hope Puig wins the World Series MVP just so Joe Buck will be forced to actually talk to him. 

It was so much fun listening to Smoltz and Buck act like Counsell was a genius for using his closer in the third inning, then slowly realize that he’d wasted his fucking closer in the third fucking inning. You just KNOW Buck was on the edge of an aneurysm when Puig flipped his bat and crotch chopped his way around the…

Go Dodgers?

(the joke is that you ruined it)

I hate this stupid trend of finding the scariest possible use for one of the ingredients and making it the headline. Cockroach insecticide in your drink, yoga mats in your bread, etc.

Try not living on Twitter or the internet in general. It helps.