“Long hours at the office and constant stress have ruined my life. I’m 31 years old.”

That headline sounds like the worst Pinocchio spinoff movie possible.

For a minute with that headline (“Future Tweets”) I thought you had shelled out $100,000 internet recognition fun bucks to get yourselves a precog.

Dan Haren: the living embodiment of the exhausted RBI Baseball pitcher whose fastball loses 20 mph of velocity and whose change-up won’t even dive into the dirt anymore.

Methods of breathing life into something old:

The cat had a sign: “Please Help. Am Seasonally Living Off Moldy Food You Wouldn’t Feed to a Dog From Kauffman and Arrowhead Stadiums.”

The question of “are they REALLY like that/ do they REALLY think that” when being demagogic to a bunch of closed-loop feedback-people is possibly the least important question imaginable.

God, this could be the thing that saves Roe v. Wade, if only she’s secretly pro-choice.

Anyone aware of her existence who isn’t troubled by her long history of racist Tea Party pandering is probably a Fox News viewer. Dammit, Catch-24, you’re the best catch ever invented.

(Jeff Hornacek applies polonium paste to hand) (begins free throw routine) (rubs side of face) (makes free throw) (dies)