Then we get to the most bizarre pitch of the competiton: a pitcher delivering the ball from the zenith of a trampoline bounce

I am not raunchy, but I am inappropriate at times

Imagine being an adult and being mad that you didn’t get an Ezekiel Elliot autograph at a fantasy football convention.

“I got one pitcher left. Let’s go! Wake up! That’s bullshit!”

Another franchise he won’t be awarded.

I’m not sure what gave you the idea that I give a shit about the Cards or St Louis. I just think it's funny that they're so irrelevant even Deadspin can't bother insulting them 

YAY! The Cards are too irrelevant to brutally mock now!!!!! It’s not really a victory, but it’s as close as St. Louis fans have had in some time.

And you consider this a personal victory for some reason?

The Golden Knights are shelling out an entire year earlier than they have to—which means they weren’t bidding against anyone

In a way. Only you’re the stripper. 

Initial reports have PacMan avoiding the confrontation, grabbing something to eat, and then seeking out his attacker.

And that guy is a Fjord Explorer!  Waka waka waka.

Sheer power is fine for getting to the playoffs, but pitching wins the World Series. 

Why do you say that? I make 96% of my decisions based on spite. It has been working great!

tag yourself i’m green shirt dude

They have to get him if they hope to compete with the Warriors.

Meanwhile in the rest of the NLC:

Miguel qualifies for the O-1 visa.  Miguel sure as hell is more qualified than Melania.

Dexter Fowler: extremely deep undercover Cubs double agent