Just whisper in my ear that everything is going to be ok. Even if it’s a lie.

Every bar that I’ve ever been to that has one of the internet-connected juke boxes also has a stereo system controlled behind the bar. You play a song they don’t like they just change the source to the receiver the used before they installed the internet-connected juke box.

The most classic rock is igneous.

Outrageous Omission:

“The male subject responded, ‘no, can you give me 10 seconds.’”

“it’s in their hands now”

Leaving out the important questions at the end. Will the robot umps be horny? 

Imagine just trying to beat your meat and suddenly recognizing your neighbor’s daughter in a voyeur video on pornhub, so now you have to tell them:

What the hell do you expect at Clandestine College—cameras just out in the open?

This is more embarrassing than my unintentional smear campaign against Sports Illustrated when Kathy Ireland was on the cover.

If it’s good enough for the Crusades, it’s good enough for St. Louis-area high school football.

If only the people of Hitachi had some sort of magic wand to fend off these sea demons.

“Not a good time to lose one’s head.”

Huh, I’m surprised this happened in Oklahoma. I expect this kind of outcome more for wagons in Oregon.

You dumb bastard. It’s not a Schooner, it’s a Failboat.

“I just wanted to tell you both good luck. We’re all counting on you.”

The scorpion was the friends we made along the way.

On the most generous possible read, the NBA-China news cycle has revealed just how little players and coaches have ever considered the ethical stakes of doing business with an authoritarian state.

Tough to be an MLB pitching coach when you refuse to work with lefties.