Every time I watch “From Dusk Til Dawn” it reminds me of when I was having sex with Salma Hayek and she turned into a vampire. I was so bummed.

I must respectfully disagree. One of the many reasons I love baseball is that, even though the game has been played for more than a century, and even though the season is 162 games long, we regularly see things which have never happened. Last year there was a 4-9-3 double play, with the right fielder making the turn…

In a previous post I wondered what the Sixers had to gain by bringing Fultz back. I didn’t imagine a scenario where he would knock out their star center in time for the playoffs.

I’m excited to see if Judge and Altuve can repeat their TOTALLY NOT SUSPICIOUS performances from last year.

Yep. Quick: Name the CEO of another auto manufacturer.

Wow, a defensive shift? REVOLUTIONARY. Imagine if Joe Maddon or Buck Showalter finds out about this! I suppose next you’ll be telling me about an NFL team using TWO TIGHT ENDS.

Geez, this is embarrassing. Nobody at Deadspin looked at this and said, “Y’know, this kinda thing happens just about every day”? I’m too lazy…

I love how we live in such normal times that our hero is a lawyer representing a porn star. It’s remarkable how totally normal this is.

Look at Thailand. (I’ll wait.) Look how long the coast is. Look how many islands it has. Tourists only go to a few, which means the vast majority of Thailand’s reefs are pristine, or will be until the rising water temperature bleaches them. If you go to virtually any other reef or island, you will have it to yourself, …

How dare you insert facts into a stereotypically uninformed blogger rant! Tourists are bad for the environment? NO. WAY. So the blame goes to ... a book?

He was one pick away from being not paid to not play. I suppose it’s better than working in the salt mines of big time college sports, though. I can’t sleep at night as I ponder how terrible life must be for the basketball players at, say, Michigan or Villanova.

Pedophilia is not a black thing and neither is this. Someone, I forget who, said recently you can do what you want when you’re famous. Woody Allen, Ted Nugent, Roman Polanski, Steven Seagal... sadly, I could go on.

He hasn’t tried to hide it, because no one cares. You can do this shit if you’re famous. (See: Nugent, Ted et al.)

It’s encouraging for you to admit you have issues. By all means, work on yourself. Leave me out of it. I am not part of your “we”.

I’m not familiar with the Indiana government, but unless I’m terribly mistaken, the law was written by legislators, not the governor. I have no doubt he is a POS, but shouldn’t we be heaping our scorn on the lawmakers who wrote the thing? And ultimately on the voters who put them there? Similarly, while the news cycle…

They were too busy hammering out the details of “Walk up, not out”.

Don’t be hard on the kid. He’s just a young guy having trouble coping with some emotional issues.
<looks at photo>
Just shoot him and get it over with. He’s a menace to society.

(To be clear, I’m referencing the kid responsible for the shooting in my home state of Maryland, who did it because he was “lovesick”.)

A fact that 99.999% of drivers don’t know. When I rode my bike to and from work in Baltimore, I was frequently cursed out and run off the road.

I think you are failing to see the benefit of this conversation. Now, before you say or write anything, you know that you have an entire community of experts here on Deadspin who are more than happy to tell you what you can and can not say. The simplest thing to do, of course, is to stop communicating altogether,…

Yes, you must perform a thorough cultural/linguistic/ethnic analysis of a song before you sing it. If one person gets offended, that’s one person too many, dang it! Think of all the grandfathers who cower in fear night after night after hearing that godforsaken reindeer song.