the only thing i care about in football is when the winning team lines up to gently kiss the tip of the president’s penis and receive a championship muffin

Counterpoint: the Uncle Drew ads are fine.

Yeah, what kind of sports website would cover the most famous player of the most popular sport in North America?

Yes, this 10,000-word profile of Tom Brady on a whole different website definitely proves that we at Deadspin are obsessed with Tom Brady.

A ton, yes. I believe they adopted six. Those poor fucking kids.

Like father, like son; the apple doesn’t fall far from.......y’know what? Fuck Jerry Sandusky with a rusty tire iron.

Joe Paterno’s son is already denying he knew anything about this.

I think she’s the best, but she is not exactly dominant in terms of the recording industry. A new record by Elvis—yes, Elvis—outsold Lemonade three-to-one in 2016.

Breaking news: Woman who was jacked in the face by enormous, physically powerful athlete was “Not actually asking for it,” but was, in fact, being harassed even before punches were thrown.

You expect me to believe that a man who would punch a woman would also make a gay slur?

This article just moved Mixon way up the Ravens draft board.

This is the plot of Speed 3. The bus will blow up if the team it is carrying goes below .500.

I always called it the Caitlyn Jenner

His big get this year was a 3 star WR. He’s not the integral piece people are making him out to be.

[photoshop cadged from Twitter]

Name George W. Bush’s speechwriter. Do it now. Since they are all public figures, you should be able to.

Getting slapped down by Ted Cruz wasn’t enough for you guys? You have to go after Simmons too?

I don’t think Jim Mora said anything too harsh either? Or am I missing something?

Delete this and any account you’ve ever had.

God damnit... I don’t know where to begin. But I’m sorry The South has taken over college football. I’m sure Cal or USC or Oregon or whatever other “progressive” institution you went to will be good again one day. Until then, keep pretending that only stupid people like football.

T-minus five minutes until your uncle’s Facebook explodes about a Mexican stealing something on his way over the wall.